For Muslims, Finding a Mate is a Family Matter
By Vera Lawlor, Staff Writer
Reprinted from the New Jersey Record Online, NorthJersey.com
First Published Thursday, February 22, 2001
Shayan Farooqui doesn't go on dates, and he's not worried about finding a wife. When the time comes for marriage, the college senior knows that family and friends will help him meet the right mate.
"Unlike my non-Muslim friends, I don't have the pressure of having to find a date, and finding a life partner doesn't rest on my shoulders alone," said Farooqui, of Ridgewood.
This sentiment is shared by many young Muslims in North Jersey. Why? Quite simply, according to Islamic law, they are not allowed to date. Men and women are allowed to interact, but they are not supposed to form friendships unless for the intention of marriage.
Idle talk is discouraged
"When we speak with the opposite sex [on a day-to-day basis], it's to discuss education, business, or to further our knowledge of religion," said Sameera Iqbal of Paramus, a senior at Rutgers University. "Anything else is considered to be idle talk and is discouraged."
When the time comes to marry, it's typical for Muslim family and friends to act as matchmakers. And then, Islamic law requires that meetings between potential partners be held in public or in the company of family or friends.
Restrictions on how potential partners interact can vary according to culture, said Dr. Karen Prentiss, a professor of comparative religion at Drew University.
"While you can't generalize about any one culture, I would say Muslims in Pakistan, Iran, and now Yemen, would tend to be more strict," Prentiss said. "In these countries, families would be more likely to arrange marriages."
In India, many Muslims follow the local tradition in which "you only meet your life partner on the wedding day," the professor said. "In Saudi Arabia, Muslims would be more on the medium side, meaning couples would be discouraged [not forbidden] from meeting except through family."
Muslims in Turkey and Egypt might tend to be more liberal, Prentiss said. "Families would be more flexible in allowing children to choose marriage partners. The family would give final approval but wouldn't arrange the marriage."
When relatives do the matching it's usually members of the immediate family, according to Misbahuddin Mirza, an engineer who teaches at Dar-Ul-Islah Islamic School in Teaneck.
"Sometimes parents have spoken with one another as the son and daughter were growing up, and it's been suggested that the children might get married in the future," Mirza said.
Relatives investigate prospects
In other cases, mothers and sisters look into the background of a potential bride's family while fathers and sons check out a potential groom. This investigation could involve meeting the prospective bride or groom's friends, colleagues, and supervisors. Mirza said Islamic tradition teaches Muslims to look into the prospective spouse's religion, family background, and financial stability. And the future partner's looks are not to be ignored either, he pointed out.
"These are not forced marriages. They are arranged marriages -- and there's a big difference," Mirza said. "The woman and man have the right to say yes or no to the marriage."
Mirza's mother and sisters helped him find a bride.
"I actually thought I might never get married because my mother and sisters could not agree on the right woman for me," Mirza joked.
Among the prospects his mother and sisters found was the woman he eventually married, the daughter of an aunt's friend. Mirza's mother and sister traveled to India to meet her and her family. In turn, Mirza's prospective father-in-law came to the United States to meet him. The couple exchanged photos and eventually saw one another in person at a family wedding.
The Qur'an teaches that physical attraction between a husband and wife is very important, according to Imam Omar Baloch.
Despite the restrictions on sexes intermingling, the rules for finding a potential spouse are flexible, said Baloch, a guest lecturer at the headquarters of the Tanezem-E-Islam Organization in Teaneck and the Muslim Community Center in Manhattan.
They allow a couple to speak in person and via telephone or correspond via e-mail as long as the conversation is brief and appropriate, the imam said. However, he added, too much intermingling is discouraged.
"Freud made it very clear that sexual instinct is very powerful and this is what Islam wants to control," Baloch said.
Comfort in Islamic rules
Leyla Amzi, president of the Muslim Student Association at Ramapo College, finds comfort in these laws.
"People think because Islam has so many rules it's too restrictive," Amzi said. "But it's not like that at all. These are guidelines that are very helpful in living a good and successful life."
Hina Lodhi, a computer information science major at Rutgers University, agrees.
"In many Muslim countries, it's easier for them to totally separate the sexes. It's different here. You learn to adapt, but you don't compromise your beliefs," Lodhi said.
The Paramus native married Murad Lodhi, her brother's friend and fellow Rutgers student, last year.
"I was very much interested in his religious beliefs because I knew if he had a good basis in his religion he would have a good basis in everything else," said Lodhi, who lives in North Brunswick.
Omar Toor of Lodi and his wife, Safia Baloch of Raleigh, N.C., met through their mothers, who had been raised in the same house in India.
"In our case, there were a lot of questions they didn't have to ask about the families," said Baloch, a Georgetown University law student. "They knew, for instance, that both families were religious."
The couple broke the ice via e-mails, said Toor, who sits on the advisory board for young Muslims for the Islamic Circle of North America and belongs to the Dar-Ul-Islah Mosque in Teaneck.
"Then we asked each other's permission to speak on the phone," Toor said.
Their first face-to-face meeting took place in the company of both sets of parents at Baloch's apartment in Georgetown.
"It was pretty intense because our parents were so eager for us to get along," Baloch said. "I was apprehensive and anxious about the meeting."
Toor said the pressure was like a "blind date times 10."
Parents' backing vital
However, both agree that having their parents along was vital to the success of the meeting.
"In Western culture, the families are given consideration only after a couple start getting along," Baloch said. "But in Islam, the family is of great importance; a couple's family has to get along. They have to like one another."
Imam Baloch explained that the union between both sets of in-laws strengthens the bond between husband and wife.
"If problems do occur in the marriage, the couple will go first to their parents, and it is the parents that make the difference in resolving any problems," he added.
Toor said seeing how well their parents interacted helped them relax on their first meeting. They were engaged shortly after and spent a year getting to know each other in social settings. They tied the knot earlier this year. Baloch spends college semesters on campus and lives with her husband in Lodi during school breaks.
Not all North Jersey Muslims find marriage partners through family or community networking. For those, Mirza said, personal ads in Muslim publications, including Islamic Horizons and The Message, can prove helpful. And a growing number are finding partners through matrimonial Web sites geared to Muslims. Among the most popular are wwww.matrimonials.com/MML/ and www.Zawaj.com.
Most of the postings on these sites are placed by parents or siblings seeking mates for relatives. However, a few are posted by the seekers themselves.
Finding mates on the Web
"A lot of young adult professionals from India and Pakistan are working in this country and don't have family or friends to help them find a spouse," said Wael AbdelGawad, administrator of Zawaj.com and a resident of Oakland, Calif. "The Internet makes this search a lot easier."
AbdelGawad sought guidance from Islamic scholars before launching the site three years ago.
"They said it was acceptable as long as conversations between people using the site were maroof [open and proper]. Everything had to be above board and users had to post personal information for honorable reasons [with intentions of marriage]," AbdelGawad said.
A few Islamic scholars have objected to the Zawaj.com Web site.
"They believe a woman who has never been married and uses the site must have a wakeel [male protector] to represent her interests," AbdelGawad explained. "I have seen some sites that will require this. They ask for the woman's name and the name of her wakeel before signing her up."
The Webmaster said he doesn't require this of women using his site because many American-born women and converts to Islam don't have male relatives willing to act as wakeels.
Imam Baloch said he does not object to women using the Internet to find husbands. It's even acceptable, he said, for a woman to propose to a man.
"Even the Prophet got married through a woman proposing to him," Baloch said.
However, according to Islamic law, a woman who has never been married before must have a wakeel present the first time she meets with the man, the imam added. Often women will call on an imam to fulfill this role, he said.
"A Muslim woman would not marry a man if her wakeel didn't approve," Baloch said. "But there has to be something really wrong for the wakeel to say no to the marriage."
Male protectors play key role
Sitting in a lobby at Rutgers University on a recent evening, about a dozen Muslim students -- some from the New Jersey Institute of Technology -- spoke favorably about wakeels.
"A wakeel is responsible for finding out everything he can about a potential groom. It's easier for a man to do this," said Anila Joher of Nutley, a third-year student at NJIT. "He is her guardian in every sense of the word."
The students said their quest for a Muslim spouse in this country differs from that of their foreign-born parents. For instance, they said, most of their parents' marriages were arranged, and most were paired with people from similar cultures.
"That was OK for them. My parents weren't in love when they got married," Farooqui said. "It's wonderful to see them walking hand in hand after 35 years. I'm amazed everytime I see that. But that may not be right for us."
The concept of arranged marriages is steeped in culture and not based on the laws of Islam, the students said. Farooqui and his fellow students believe their generation benefits greatly from growing up in America, where they "meet Muslims from many different cultures."
The Zawaj.com site has resulted in many cross-cultural marriages.
"Young people are more interested in getting to the heart of Islam, a brand of Islam that breaks down religious and cultural barriers," AbdelGawad said.
Sunday 27 February 2011
For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the Internet
For Muslims, Courtship Enabled by the Internet
By David Cho
Reprinted from the Washington Post Online
(Print version appeared on the front page of the Sunday Washington Post)
Published Sunday, June 6, 2004
Mukarram Shah wants to get married, but finding a spouse has been a challenge.
Like many Washington area singles, the 32-year-old Gaithersburg resident has a demanding job that leaves him with little time to socialize -- he works 60 hours
a week as a computer database engineer.
But the biggest obstacle to meeting eligible women is his religion. As a Muslim, Shah is not allowed to date. Islamic law forbids any kind of physical intimacy between a man and a woman before marriage, as well as any rendezvous that could lead to such contact.
So how will he find love? Shah is pinning his hopes on Zawaj.com.
The Web site is one of dozens offering matchmaking services to Muslim men and women. For a monthly fee, the sites provide chat rooms where Muslim singles can get to know each other without violating the teachings of their faith.
"Without these Web sites, what are my chances of meeting people? None," Shah said. "It's just a way to come across people with the [same] religion and culture. . . . It makes it easier. And obviously, you are not going to do any physical stuff."
Like other online dating services, the Muslim Web sites ask their members to post photos, biographical profiles and descriptions of what they are looking for in a spouse. But instead of moving quickly to the dating stage, the user of a Muslim site typically spends weeks or months exchanging comments online with a potential mate before deciding whether to seek a meeting.
The next step is for the couple to meet in the presence of family members, friends or the leader of a mosque. If that goes well, they will set up other chaperoned meetings that could lead to an engagement. They are not allowed to be alone together until after they are engaged.
Shah has met four women in the two years he has been using Zawaj.com and other sites. The first three relationships did not work out, he said, but the fourth woman is someone he would like to see again. He started Internet contact with her in October and flew to Los Angeles last weekend for their first meeting, spending six hours with her and her parents.
"It's a very good prospect. I made a follow-up call, and I'm waiting to hear from them," Shah said last week.
Not all Muslims interpret the rule against social interaction with the opposite sex in the same way. But there is wide consensus among U.S. Muslim clergy that Western-style dating is forbidden, and many even disapprove of a social telephone conversation between a man and a woman because "the voice can be sexually arousing," said Yvonne Haddad, a professor of the history of Islam at Georgetown University.
The matrimonial Web sites, however, are quickly gaining acceptance even among conservative Muslims, according to Islamic scholars and local imams.
Imam Yahya Hendi, Muslim chaplain at Georgetown, said he has received many requests to serve as an intermediary for Muslim couples who have gotten to know each other through the Web, and he has rarely heard anyone in the Muslim community object to the online courtships.
"There are few other ways to be intimate without being inappropriate, no doubt," he said. The Web sites "give opportunity for people across the spectrum from all backgrounds, from all locations to meet and engage in an open, honest discussion without violating what they believe would be the rules of Islam."
Traditionally, single Muslim men and women have learned about prospective spouses through family connections. If a man noticed an eligible woman in a public setting -- at a workplace or a mosque, for example -- he would then try to arrange a chaperoned meeting, usually by contacting her parents. The Internet system gives single adults more independence and control in the courtship process, although parents still play an important role in approving an engagement.
Zawaj.com, based in Oakland, Calif., is one of the oldest of the Web sites. Its founder, Wael Abdelgawad, said 30,000 Muslims have signed up since he launched the service in 1998, and about 6,000 use the site on any given day.
Abdelgawad said about half of the site's members live in the United States, and a significant number are in Canada and Britain. But the site also has members in predominantly Muslim countries, including Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and other parts of the Middle East, he said.
Zawaj means "marriage" in Arabic. Another popular site is Naseeb.com, which was launched last year (naseeb means "fulfilling one's destiny" in Arabic).
The Internet conversations, by putting the emphasis on a love interest's personality and mind rather than on his or her looks, are very much in tune with Muslim culture, Abdelgawad added.
"It's not about falling in love; it's about meeting someone who is compatible and has the same goals in life and then getting married," he said. "Love grows, if you have things in common and you have the same goals in life. The whole concept of falling in love and the romantic whirlwind, it's a Western concept and it's a concept that doesn't necessarily exist in the Muslim world."
Hana Baba, a radio talk show host for the Sterling-based Islamic Broadcasting Network, said she and her future husband spent years talking to each other online about current events and theological issues before he finally asked if they could meet.
Despite the nontraditional way they met, her mother was excited about the match, Baba said.
"We got to see the whole inside of each other before the outside," she said. "It's really an acceptable alternative -- it's Internet dating Islamic-style. And the parents are okay with it, as long as you are not touching and doing stuff."
Sara Siddiqui, 28, of Crystal City said her mother, who lives in Pakistan, signed her up on muslimmatrimonial.com.
"My mom is actually the one who is screening [the men]; I'm too busy," said Siddiqui, an admissions adviser at Devry University. "In this country, everyone is so spread out, and we can't really date . . . so the sites are a big breakthrough because, for someone in my situation, it hasn't been easy to meet someone."
Using an online service is no guarantee of success, of course. Siddiqui had three words to describe her encounters so far: "Not too good."
Adults who work with Islamic youth also note that the Web sites do not address the problems faced by Muslim American teenagers, who are growing up in a country where movies, television and pop music -- as well as their peers at school -- constantly present an ideal of romantic fulfillment through dating. Baba said that dealing with the temptations of adolescence is the most frequent topic on her talk show for Muslim teenage girls.
Several girls who belong to Muslim youth groups in Northern Virginia said their faith is tested every spring during prom season. Conservative Muslims see the prom as a forbidden form of social interaction between the two sexes.
"Everybody's just talking about prom in class," said Mouna Kamoun, 17, a junior at Herndon High School and one of several girls who said they agonized over whether to attend their school's dance. "I mean, you are in high school; it's the topic. You want to do it.. . . But when it comes to it, your religion basically has to outweigh" desire.
Kamoun said she and her parents ultimately agreed that going to the Herndon High prom, which was being held this weekend, would violate the rules against physical intimacy. Besides, she said, her religion instructs women to clothe themselves almost completely, and "it's really hard to find a dress that would cover me. Everything's sleeveless or too short."
Looking ahead to marriage, several of the girls said they planned to rely on their families rather than the Internet to find a husband.
"So many people think it's an arranged marriage because parents have so much to do with it," said Afra Khan, 16, a sophomore at Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology in Fairfax County. "But it's not. . . . It's much more of two families coming together."
Wafa Unus, 17, a junior at Herndon High, agreed. "I don't think dating is essential for meeting someone," she said.
But she conceded that she occasionally struggles with boy issues. Like any teenager, she said, she has developed crushes. And because of her religion, she has had to suppress those feelings.
"A lot of Islam is patience," she said.
By David Cho
Reprinted from the Washington Post Online
(Print version appeared on the front page of the Sunday Washington Post)
Published Sunday, June 6, 2004
Mukarram Shah wants to get married, but finding a spouse has been a challenge.
Like many Washington area singles, the 32-year-old Gaithersburg resident has a demanding job that leaves him with little time to socialize -- he works 60 hours
a week as a computer database engineer.
But the biggest obstacle to meeting eligible women is his religion. As a Muslim, Shah is not allowed to date. Islamic law forbids any kind of physical intimacy between a man and a woman before marriage, as well as any rendezvous that could lead to such contact.
So how will he find love? Shah is pinning his hopes on Zawaj.com.
The Web site is one of dozens offering matchmaking services to Muslim men and women. For a monthly fee, the sites provide chat rooms where Muslim singles can get to know each other without violating the teachings of their faith.
"Without these Web sites, what are my chances of meeting people? None," Shah said. "It's just a way to come across people with the [same] religion and culture. . . . It makes it easier. And obviously, you are not going to do any physical stuff."
Like other online dating services, the Muslim Web sites ask their members to post photos, biographical profiles and descriptions of what they are looking for in a spouse. But instead of moving quickly to the dating stage, the user of a Muslim site typically spends weeks or months exchanging comments online with a potential mate before deciding whether to seek a meeting.
The next step is for the couple to meet in the presence of family members, friends or the leader of a mosque. If that goes well, they will set up other chaperoned meetings that could lead to an engagement. They are not allowed to be alone together until after they are engaged.
Shah has met four women in the two years he has been using Zawaj.com and other sites. The first three relationships did not work out, he said, but the fourth woman is someone he would like to see again. He started Internet contact with her in October and flew to Los Angeles last weekend for their first meeting, spending six hours with her and her parents.
"It's a very good prospect. I made a follow-up call, and I'm waiting to hear from them," Shah said last week.
Not all Muslims interpret the rule against social interaction with the opposite sex in the same way. But there is wide consensus among U.S. Muslim clergy that Western-style dating is forbidden, and many even disapprove of a social telephone conversation between a man and a woman because "the voice can be sexually arousing," said Yvonne Haddad, a professor of the history of Islam at Georgetown University.
The matrimonial Web sites, however, are quickly gaining acceptance even among conservative Muslims, according to Islamic scholars and local imams.
Imam Yahya Hendi, Muslim chaplain at Georgetown, said he has received many requests to serve as an intermediary for Muslim couples who have gotten to know each other through the Web, and he has rarely heard anyone in the Muslim community object to the online courtships.
"There are few other ways to be intimate without being inappropriate, no doubt," he said. The Web sites "give opportunity for people across the spectrum from all backgrounds, from all locations to meet and engage in an open, honest discussion without violating what they believe would be the rules of Islam."
Traditionally, single Muslim men and women have learned about prospective spouses through family connections. If a man noticed an eligible woman in a public setting -- at a workplace or a mosque, for example -- he would then try to arrange a chaperoned meeting, usually by contacting her parents. The Internet system gives single adults more independence and control in the courtship process, although parents still play an important role in approving an engagement.
Zawaj.com, based in Oakland, Calif., is one of the oldest of the Web sites. Its founder, Wael Abdelgawad, said 30,000 Muslims have signed up since he launched the service in 1998, and about 6,000 use the site on any given day.
Abdelgawad said about half of the site's members live in the United States, and a significant number are in Canada and Britain. But the site also has members in predominantly Muslim countries, including Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and other parts of the Middle East, he said.
Zawaj means "marriage" in Arabic. Another popular site is Naseeb.com, which was launched last year (naseeb means "fulfilling one's destiny" in Arabic).
The Internet conversations, by putting the emphasis on a love interest's personality and mind rather than on his or her looks, are very much in tune with Muslim culture, Abdelgawad added.
"It's not about falling in love; it's about meeting someone who is compatible and has the same goals in life and then getting married," he said. "Love grows, if you have things in common and you have the same goals in life. The whole concept of falling in love and the romantic whirlwind, it's a Western concept and it's a concept that doesn't necessarily exist in the Muslim world."
Hana Baba, a radio talk show host for the Sterling-based Islamic Broadcasting Network, said she and her future husband spent years talking to each other online about current events and theological issues before he finally asked if they could meet.
Despite the nontraditional way they met, her mother was excited about the match, Baba said.
"We got to see the whole inside of each other before the outside," she said. "It's really an acceptable alternative -- it's Internet dating Islamic-style. And the parents are okay with it, as long as you are not touching and doing stuff."
Sara Siddiqui, 28, of Crystal City said her mother, who lives in Pakistan, signed her up on muslimmatrimonial.com.
"My mom is actually the one who is screening [the men]; I'm too busy," said Siddiqui, an admissions adviser at Devry University. "In this country, everyone is so spread out, and we can't really date . . . so the sites are a big breakthrough because, for someone in my situation, it hasn't been easy to meet someone."
Using an online service is no guarantee of success, of course. Siddiqui had three words to describe her encounters so far: "Not too good."
Adults who work with Islamic youth also note that the Web sites do not address the problems faced by Muslim American teenagers, who are growing up in a country where movies, television and pop music -- as well as their peers at school -- constantly present an ideal of romantic fulfillment through dating. Baba said that dealing with the temptations of adolescence is the most frequent topic on her talk show for Muslim teenage girls.
Several girls who belong to Muslim youth groups in Northern Virginia said their faith is tested every spring during prom season. Conservative Muslims see the prom as a forbidden form of social interaction between the two sexes.
"Everybody's just talking about prom in class," said Mouna Kamoun, 17, a junior at Herndon High School and one of several girls who said they agonized over whether to attend their school's dance. "I mean, you are in high school; it's the topic. You want to do it.. . . But when it comes to it, your religion basically has to outweigh" desire.
Kamoun said she and her parents ultimately agreed that going to the Herndon High prom, which was being held this weekend, would violate the rules against physical intimacy. Besides, she said, her religion instructs women to clothe themselves almost completely, and "it's really hard to find a dress that would cover me. Everything's sleeveless or too short."
Looking ahead to marriage, several of the girls said they planned to rely on their families rather than the Internet to find a husband.
"So many people think it's an arranged marriage because parents have so much to do with it," said Afra Khan, 16, a sophomore at Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology in Fairfax County. "But it's not. . . . It's much more of two families coming together."
Wafa Unus, 17, a junior at Herndon High, agreed. "I don't think dating is essential for meeting someone," she said.
But she conceded that she occasionally struggles with boy issues. Like any teenager, she said, she has developed crushes. And because of her religion, she has had to suppress those feelings.
"A lot of Islam is patience," she said.
Modern Khatba?
Modern Khatba?
Online matchmaking is finally catering to Arabs and Muslims around the world.
Gihan Shahine logs on to rate its success.
Reprinted from the Al-Ahram Weekly, 17 - 23 June 2004, Issue No. 695
It never occurred to Zeinab that happiness was just a finger-click away. She had just turned 28 and her parents were fretting about her single status. It wasn't that suitors were scarce, simply that arranged marriages were not working out. "The chemistry," Zeinab said, was missing.
"I was not ready to marry anyone I felt half- hearted about just to fit in," shared Zeinab. "I wanted a real soul-mate."
She decided, instead, to venture onto the Net in search of Mr Perfect.
"My parents were sceptical and worried but they also knew I would never do anything wrong or irrational," she recalls. "One good thing about Net marriage services is that they allow you to choose characteristics you want in a prospective spouse from a wide range of options. Which is good for picky people like me."
It was not all smooth surfing though -- many men use the Web to find girlfriends, rather than potential spouses, or else are just fooling around.
"Many turned out to be liars; many were already married with kids," she said. "Some were just seeking a girlfriend; and there were those holding back information about serious illness or disability."
After six months of failed attempts Zeinab logged onto the local version of global matchmaker. "Find your perfect match" sites -- catering solely to Egyptians.
She e-mailed the "man who looked perfectly eligible" and the following day received a response. Two months later they decided to meet.
"We liked each other at first sight," Zeinab says, smiling. "I was surprised he was more handsome than his photo and I admired his respectable attitude. I felt so comfortable and happy and he immediately contacted my parents to propose."
Today, two years and a baby girl later, Zeinab insists Khaled "is the right person for her". And as a consequence she has made it her mission to help other singleton friends find their soul-mates.
It's simple, she says: "If you are mature enough and know how to use your mind then the Internet can help you find your match."
Online love is nothing new. But it is only recently, however, that sites have started to target Arab and Muslim communities, catering specifically to their needs.
THE MARRIAGE PROBLEM:
In Egypt, many NGOs and computer centres providing matchmaking services have appeared on the scene, placing tantalising advertisements in newspapers and magazines. On the Internet dating and matchmaking services have proliferated, with many specialising in Muslim and Arab marriages, promising those "sick of hanging out in clubs and tired of waiting to find that special someone" that "soul-mates really exist".
These services have boomed to the extent that the stigma they once attracted is now almost negligible, especially among Muslim communities where dating is not religiously accepted. Today, the US-based www.Zawaj.com, one of the perhaps most popular Muslim matrimonial sites, boasts 35,000 registered members, 5,500 active profiles and overall Web traffic of 2,800,000 page views per month and 160,000 unique monthly visitors. Launched in 2002, www.MuslimMatch.com has attracted 47,648 members and 1,500 first-time visitors.
The boom, however, has not been without its critics. It has given rise to controversial fatwas from Islamic scholars around the world. While some dwell on the hazards of chat, most-recently Al-Azhar's Mufti Ali Gomaa issued a religious edict "allowing" marriage through online and computer matrimonial services on condition that the girls' parents are kept informed.
One reason why more Egyptians are tapping into technology to access an alternative spouse pool is that marriage, as everybody seems to agree, is a problem, especially for the middle class. Official figures confirm this perception. According to the Central Agency for Public Mobilisation and Statistics (CAPMAS), marriage contracts declined from 579,000 in 2001 to 513,000 in 2002 while divorce cases increased from 68,000 in 2001 to 70,000 in 2002. The percentage of those tying the knot dropped from 64.8 per cent to 61.2 per cent of all people at marriageable age in the period between 1986 and 1996, during which the latest CAPMAS national census (done every 10 years) was conducted. The CAPMAS census also showed that the number of unmarried people increased from 25.7 per cent to 27.8 per cent within the same period.
The reasons, for the most part, are unemployment and financial problems, skyrocketing prices and parental demands. There are difficulties finding an apartment and scraping together enough for a wedding and the bare necessities of life "a deux".
But cyber matchmaking could also be seen as symptomatic of a different social take on marriage. Whereas not so long ago young women would heartily adhere to the old Egyptian saying "the shadow of a man is better than that of a wall", today both young men and women take marriage more seriously -- or at least differently -- which has given a new spin on the traditional matchmaking process.
Many young women, already in paying jobs, are no longer interested only in financial support or in getting married to fit in. Today, according to sociologist Ali Fahmi, "both girls and boys seek a marriage based on love, personal fulfilment and mutual understanding." Which, Fahmi added "has become increasingly difficult in light of the already burgeoning financial crisis".
Tareq Mahmoud, a 35-year-old software team leader, remains undaunted after three years of failed attempts to find a match on almost all matrimonial Web sites. "It is all about being selective," Mahmoud said confidently. "I don't want to marry any woman. I could not find my match in my immediate circle, so I decided to widen my sphere by posting an ad on the Net. It's very difficult to find a real soul-mate, but if marriage does not add value to my life, then there is absolutely no need for it."
Egyptian-American Wael AbdelGawad, the administrator of www.Zawaj.com, told Al-Ahram Weekly by e-mail that "many people who use online matrimonial services have not had any luck with the usual methods of seeking a spouse." Which is why AbdelGawad insists "online matrimonial sites represent a revolution in the way Muslims can meet future partners," helping them break their "own small circle of family and friends" and search "the entire world to find the one partner who is perfectly matched".
"You cannot keep on waiting for a miracle for that special someone to come flying into your life," said 22-year-old Heba Fadel, who met her husband, Ahmed, through a chat programme. "You cannot imitate the West and just meet someone in a bar/restaurant and start dating. You either opt for the khatba, which is stupid and superficial, or you end up opting for the last resort of Internet relationships, however risky they may be."
Heba, who is happily married with a baby girl, contends that meeting someone on the Internet engenders a deeper relationship than in organised marriages, which are based on physical looks. "If a girl gets an aaris (suitor) and she doesn't like his nose or his kersh (big tummy) or whatever, she will send him away without even knowing what his personality is like," Heba explained. "The Internet would take that physical attraction away, giving the couple a chance to fall in love before the bodies do. You get to know the person and the way he thinks, his dreams, ambitions and what he wants to do with his life. Eventually when you meet the guy, you don't mind if he's fat, lanky, too tall or too short. You just love him for who he is. He becomes perfect for you."
THE PITFALLS:
But the Internet has also proved a tortuous path for many -- a mysterious world ridden with dangers -- not least heartbreaks, broken marriages and, in some extreme cases, crime.
"Initially, you don't know if the other party is being honest about anything, whether it is his/her character, appearance, education, or past," AbdelGawad said. "A person might have a serious disability and may conceal it as long as possible. A photograph could be old or doctored. Or he may really believe he is something special when in reality he is a jerk."
Yasmine, 23, ended up with a broken heart when her Turkish friend, with whom she fell in love on the Net, broke off the relationship.
"Initially, I was chatting for fun and it was he who developed it into an emotional relation and even discussed marriage with me," Yasmine recounts. "But when we met in Cairo it seems he did not like me at all and our online chemistry suddenly vanished. He has disappeared since the time we met, and when I asked him for an explanation he claimed he never intended to marry me in the first place. I was so hurt and regretted not having listened to my friends' repeated warnings."
Heba had similar experience on the Net before she met Ahmed. "The biggest mistake a person could do on the Internet is to discuss marriage before they even meet the person, as the Internet is like a mask, a screen, the good stuff is filtered through and the bad stuff isn't," Heba said. "You end up living in a Platonic love dream that makes you feel that life is sweet and everyone lives on clouds and feeds on pure fruits from each other hands. A person should also ask for a photo. Two people could have an amazing chemistry online but when they meet, the picture in their head for the physical appearance is wrong and leads to a failed relationship before it even starts."
Online chemistry convinced Mona (not her real name), but her marriage to an Egyptian chat friend, who was working in the Gulf, ended in divorce.
"It was a big mistake," Mona said with a sigh. "I simply found he was a completely different person than the one I met on the Net. He was a big liar."
THE FATALITIES:
In one case, online passion ended up with the murder of 29-year-old US resident Sherine Sabri at the hands of her chat pal Hani Zakariya, 30, in Cairo on 29 January. Divorced with a child, Sabri's online crush on Zakariya brought her all the way to Egypt, leaving her daughter behind. An increasingly jealous Zakariya told the police he lost his temper and killed Sabri after she insisted she wanted to visit her daughter in the US, where her ex-husband also lives.
Consultant psychiatrist Khalil Fadel warns that cyberspace usually provides "false electronic intimacy" and, more importantly perhaps, is a perfect venue for "pathological liars, who enjoy lying very much, and imagine they are heroes, creating their own illusory kingdoms on the Net."
"The Internet provides those who fear intimacy the chance to hide behind screens and in chat rooms and exchange the best of themselves with the other," Fadel explained. "Online communication helps those who are emotionally-deprived or are unable to establish relationships in life to get emotionally fulfilled through a fictitious love relationship."
Joseph Walther, an associate professor of communication, social psychology and information technology, agrees that Web communication can create illusory fulfilment, arguing that it is "nearly impossible for people to live up to such an artificially high, idealised range of expectations."
In a study entitled Cyberspace Couples Finding Romance Online Then Meeting for the First Time in Real Life, Andrea Baker, an associate professor of sociology at Ohio University, noted that cyber advantages "include a wider pool of people with common interests and the ability to get to know something about others before judging their compatibility based upon physical presentation".
In the study, conducted with a sample of 76 couples who met online, Baker found that people who meet online tend to move into serious relationships.
"In my study I found that people who meet online and fall in love tend to marry within a year to 18 months," he wrote.
TIPS FOR SUCCESS:
Fadel argues, however, that the Internet can help online couples get to know one another only when they are honest, balanced and normal. And he stresses that at some point in the relationship "eye-to-eye contact is essential".
AbdelGawad has equally important tips for those interested in online matchmaking: take it slowly. Communicate anonymously, and give out your personal contact information only when you are ready. Ask for references, including family, friends, or the local imam. Call these people. Talk to them. Or, if your family is supporting your search, have one of your family members check the references. If possible, arrange a meeting between you, him, and both your families, or with your walli (for women).
"These precautions can neutralise any risk," AbdelGawad said. "After all, once you've talked to his references and met his family, what's the difference where you initially found one another?"
"My final bit of advice for matrimonial advertisers is that as much as it is important to take it slow, it is equally important to open your heart," AbdelGawad added. "The right person for you, the one that Allah has destined for you, is out there, but you will never meet him or her unless you are willing to share something of yourself. Be brave. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness. Don't look for the one who is perfect, but for the one who is right. So be bold and take a chance."
Online matchmaking is finally catering to Arabs and Muslims around the world.
Gihan Shahine logs on to rate its success.
Reprinted from the Al-Ahram Weekly, 17 - 23 June 2004, Issue No. 695
It never occurred to Zeinab that happiness was just a finger-click away. She had just turned 28 and her parents were fretting about her single status. It wasn't that suitors were scarce, simply that arranged marriages were not working out. "The chemistry," Zeinab said, was missing.
"I was not ready to marry anyone I felt half- hearted about just to fit in," shared Zeinab. "I wanted a real soul-mate."
She decided, instead, to venture onto the Net in search of Mr Perfect.
"My parents were sceptical and worried but they also knew I would never do anything wrong or irrational," she recalls. "One good thing about Net marriage services is that they allow you to choose characteristics you want in a prospective spouse from a wide range of options. Which is good for picky people like me."
It was not all smooth surfing though -- many men use the Web to find girlfriends, rather than potential spouses, or else are just fooling around.
"Many turned out to be liars; many were already married with kids," she said. "Some were just seeking a girlfriend; and there were those holding back information about serious illness or disability."
After six months of failed attempts Zeinab logged onto the local version of global matchmaker. "Find your perfect match" sites -- catering solely to Egyptians.
She e-mailed the "man who looked perfectly eligible" and the following day received a response. Two months later they decided to meet.
"We liked each other at first sight," Zeinab says, smiling. "I was surprised he was more handsome than his photo and I admired his respectable attitude. I felt so comfortable and happy and he immediately contacted my parents to propose."
Today, two years and a baby girl later, Zeinab insists Khaled "is the right person for her". And as a consequence she has made it her mission to help other singleton friends find their soul-mates.
It's simple, she says: "If you are mature enough and know how to use your mind then the Internet can help you find your match."
Online love is nothing new. But it is only recently, however, that sites have started to target Arab and Muslim communities, catering specifically to their needs.
THE MARRIAGE PROBLEM:
In Egypt, many NGOs and computer centres providing matchmaking services have appeared on the scene, placing tantalising advertisements in newspapers and magazines. On the Internet dating and matchmaking services have proliferated, with many specialising in Muslim and Arab marriages, promising those "sick of hanging out in clubs and tired of waiting to find that special someone" that "soul-mates really exist".
These services have boomed to the extent that the stigma they once attracted is now almost negligible, especially among Muslim communities where dating is not religiously accepted. Today, the US-based www.Zawaj.com, one of the perhaps most popular Muslim matrimonial sites, boasts 35,000 registered members, 5,500 active profiles and overall Web traffic of 2,800,000 page views per month and 160,000 unique monthly visitors. Launched in 2002, www.MuslimMatch.com has attracted 47,648 members and 1,500 first-time visitors.
The boom, however, has not been without its critics. It has given rise to controversial fatwas from Islamic scholars around the world. While some dwell on the hazards of chat, most-recently Al-Azhar's Mufti Ali Gomaa issued a religious edict "allowing" marriage through online and computer matrimonial services on condition that the girls' parents are kept informed.
One reason why more Egyptians are tapping into technology to access an alternative spouse pool is that marriage, as everybody seems to agree, is a problem, especially for the middle class. Official figures confirm this perception. According to the Central Agency for Public Mobilisation and Statistics (CAPMAS), marriage contracts declined from 579,000 in 2001 to 513,000 in 2002 while divorce cases increased from 68,000 in 2001 to 70,000 in 2002. The percentage of those tying the knot dropped from 64.8 per cent to 61.2 per cent of all people at marriageable age in the period between 1986 and 1996, during which the latest CAPMAS national census (done every 10 years) was conducted. The CAPMAS census also showed that the number of unmarried people increased from 25.7 per cent to 27.8 per cent within the same period.
The reasons, for the most part, are unemployment and financial problems, skyrocketing prices and parental demands. There are difficulties finding an apartment and scraping together enough for a wedding and the bare necessities of life "a deux".
But cyber matchmaking could also be seen as symptomatic of a different social take on marriage. Whereas not so long ago young women would heartily adhere to the old Egyptian saying "the shadow of a man is better than that of a wall", today both young men and women take marriage more seriously -- or at least differently -- which has given a new spin on the traditional matchmaking process.
Many young women, already in paying jobs, are no longer interested only in financial support or in getting married to fit in. Today, according to sociologist Ali Fahmi, "both girls and boys seek a marriage based on love, personal fulfilment and mutual understanding." Which, Fahmi added "has become increasingly difficult in light of the already burgeoning financial crisis".
Tareq Mahmoud, a 35-year-old software team leader, remains undaunted after three years of failed attempts to find a match on almost all matrimonial Web sites. "It is all about being selective," Mahmoud said confidently. "I don't want to marry any woman. I could not find my match in my immediate circle, so I decided to widen my sphere by posting an ad on the Net. It's very difficult to find a real soul-mate, but if marriage does not add value to my life, then there is absolutely no need for it."
Egyptian-American Wael AbdelGawad, the administrator of www.Zawaj.com, told Al-Ahram Weekly by e-mail that "many people who use online matrimonial services have not had any luck with the usual methods of seeking a spouse." Which is why AbdelGawad insists "online matrimonial sites represent a revolution in the way Muslims can meet future partners," helping them break their "own small circle of family and friends" and search "the entire world to find the one partner who is perfectly matched".
"You cannot keep on waiting for a miracle for that special someone to come flying into your life," said 22-year-old Heba Fadel, who met her husband, Ahmed, through a chat programme. "You cannot imitate the West and just meet someone in a bar/restaurant and start dating. You either opt for the khatba, which is stupid and superficial, or you end up opting for the last resort of Internet relationships, however risky they may be."
Heba, who is happily married with a baby girl, contends that meeting someone on the Internet engenders a deeper relationship than in organised marriages, which are based on physical looks. "If a girl gets an aaris (suitor) and she doesn't like his nose or his kersh (big tummy) or whatever, she will send him away without even knowing what his personality is like," Heba explained. "The Internet would take that physical attraction away, giving the couple a chance to fall in love before the bodies do. You get to know the person and the way he thinks, his dreams, ambitions and what he wants to do with his life. Eventually when you meet the guy, you don't mind if he's fat, lanky, too tall or too short. You just love him for who he is. He becomes perfect for you."
THE PITFALLS:
But the Internet has also proved a tortuous path for many -- a mysterious world ridden with dangers -- not least heartbreaks, broken marriages and, in some extreme cases, crime.
"Initially, you don't know if the other party is being honest about anything, whether it is his/her character, appearance, education, or past," AbdelGawad said. "A person might have a serious disability and may conceal it as long as possible. A photograph could be old or doctored. Or he may really believe he is something special when in reality he is a jerk."
Yasmine, 23, ended up with a broken heart when her Turkish friend, with whom she fell in love on the Net, broke off the relationship.
"Initially, I was chatting for fun and it was he who developed it into an emotional relation and even discussed marriage with me," Yasmine recounts. "But when we met in Cairo it seems he did not like me at all and our online chemistry suddenly vanished. He has disappeared since the time we met, and when I asked him for an explanation he claimed he never intended to marry me in the first place. I was so hurt and regretted not having listened to my friends' repeated warnings."
Heba had similar experience on the Net before she met Ahmed. "The biggest mistake a person could do on the Internet is to discuss marriage before they even meet the person, as the Internet is like a mask, a screen, the good stuff is filtered through and the bad stuff isn't," Heba said. "You end up living in a Platonic love dream that makes you feel that life is sweet and everyone lives on clouds and feeds on pure fruits from each other hands. A person should also ask for a photo. Two people could have an amazing chemistry online but when they meet, the picture in their head for the physical appearance is wrong and leads to a failed relationship before it even starts."
Online chemistry convinced Mona (not her real name), but her marriage to an Egyptian chat friend, who was working in the Gulf, ended in divorce.
"It was a big mistake," Mona said with a sigh. "I simply found he was a completely different person than the one I met on the Net. He was a big liar."
THE FATALITIES:
In one case, online passion ended up with the murder of 29-year-old US resident Sherine Sabri at the hands of her chat pal Hani Zakariya, 30, in Cairo on 29 January. Divorced with a child, Sabri's online crush on Zakariya brought her all the way to Egypt, leaving her daughter behind. An increasingly jealous Zakariya told the police he lost his temper and killed Sabri after she insisted she wanted to visit her daughter in the US, where her ex-husband also lives.
Consultant psychiatrist Khalil Fadel warns that cyberspace usually provides "false electronic intimacy" and, more importantly perhaps, is a perfect venue for "pathological liars, who enjoy lying very much, and imagine they are heroes, creating their own illusory kingdoms on the Net."
"The Internet provides those who fear intimacy the chance to hide behind screens and in chat rooms and exchange the best of themselves with the other," Fadel explained. "Online communication helps those who are emotionally-deprived or are unable to establish relationships in life to get emotionally fulfilled through a fictitious love relationship."
Joseph Walther, an associate professor of communication, social psychology and information technology, agrees that Web communication can create illusory fulfilment, arguing that it is "nearly impossible for people to live up to such an artificially high, idealised range of expectations."
In a study entitled Cyberspace Couples Finding Romance Online Then Meeting for the First Time in Real Life, Andrea Baker, an associate professor of sociology at Ohio University, noted that cyber advantages "include a wider pool of people with common interests and the ability to get to know something about others before judging their compatibility based upon physical presentation".
In the study, conducted with a sample of 76 couples who met online, Baker found that people who meet online tend to move into serious relationships.
"In my study I found that people who meet online and fall in love tend to marry within a year to 18 months," he wrote.
TIPS FOR SUCCESS:
Fadel argues, however, that the Internet can help online couples get to know one another only when they are honest, balanced and normal. And he stresses that at some point in the relationship "eye-to-eye contact is essential".
AbdelGawad has equally important tips for those interested in online matchmaking: take it slowly. Communicate anonymously, and give out your personal contact information only when you are ready. Ask for references, including family, friends, or the local imam. Call these people. Talk to them. Or, if your family is supporting your search, have one of your family members check the references. If possible, arrange a meeting between you, him, and both your families, or with your walli (for women).
"These precautions can neutralise any risk," AbdelGawad said. "After all, once you've talked to his references and met his family, what's the difference where you initially found one another?"
"My final bit of advice for matrimonial advertisers is that as much as it is important to take it slow, it is equally important to open your heart," AbdelGawad added. "The right person for you, the one that Allah has destined for you, is out there, but you will never meet him or her unless you are willing to share something of yourself. Be brave. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness. Don't look for the one who is perfect, but for the one who is right. So be bold and take a chance."
Religious Dating Online
Religious Dating Online
February 11, 2005 - Episode no. 824
Reprinted from Religion & Ethics Newsweekly - an online companion to the weekly television news program of PBS, the Public Broadcasting Service
BOB ABERNETHY, anchor: With St. Valentine's Day this coming week, we have a report today on the latest in matchmaking -- online, with or without a matchmaker. There are about 800 Internet dating sites, among them those catering specifically to men and women of many religious faiths. Want to find a nice Christian or Jewish or Muslim life partner? Just log on.
Betty Rollin reports.
BETTY ROLLIN: Hala Durrah and Adeeb Jaber, who live in Bowie, Maryland, have been married -- very happily, they say -- for three years. Their daughter, Ayah, is two. Both Hala and Adeeb are traditional Muslims -- no casual dating allowed. But they met in a very untraditional way.
HALA DURRAH: I had gone through the traditional channels that a lot of Muslim-American and Arab-American women did, which were being introduced by people through your parents, through family friends. And I didn't really find anyone, and I was getting a bit frustrated. So a few friends kind of suggested to me, "Why don't you go on the Internet?" So I decided to try it, and I went on a Web site called Zawaj.com. I set up a profile describing who I was, briefly what I looked like, what my goals in life were, what I was looking for. At the same time you could browse the Web site to look at other profiles of eligible mates or partners and see what you liked and kind of respond to their ad.
ROLLIN: Adeeb, who is a doctor, also submitted a profile to Zawaj.com.
Dr. ADEEB JABER: I said that I'm a well-educated professional, actively practicing Muslim, seeking a Muslim who is also trying to do that which pleases God.
Ms. DURRAH: I had loved everything he said except for the age. At the time when I saw his profile, there would have been a 10-year age difference. And I kind of put the cutoff at 9 years.
ROLLIN: But after several weeks, Hala had second thoughts.
Ms. DURRAH: I saw his profile, and something in my head just kept telling me, "Respond! Just send him an e-mail. You have nothing to lose. Just do it!" And I did.
ROLLIN: And so they began to get to know each other via e-mail.
Dr. JABER: With the Internet, you can just log on, see where we last left off, you know, and then touch base again. And what it essentially did was it allowed for a beautiful continuum to go on. You actually grew with each other.
ROLLIN: As is the tradition, the family was soon involved, and a meeting with the young couple and Hala's parents was arranged.
Ms. DURRAH: My parents asked him questions, because in the Arab culture, and even in the Muslim religion, it's really a family kind of marrying a family.
ROLLIN: What did you think when you looked at him?
Ms. DURRAH: Well, I actually had a picture of him prior to his coming. He didn't know what I looked like, and he never asked.
ROLLIN (To Dr. Jaber): So what did you think?
Dr. JABER: When I first saw her in her veil, I first thought she looked like an angel, she looked so beautiful.
***
ROLLIN: Esther and Shlomo Druckman of New York City have been married just six months. Like Muslims, some Orthodox Jews also have strict dating restrictions.
SHLOMO DRUCKMAN: You can't be in the room alone with a woman; there's no physical contact until you are married, like you couldn't hold hands, you can't give her a hug.
ROLLIN: The Druckmans, too, turned to the Internet, to a site for observant Jews called Saw You at Sinai.com, which involves a matchmaker as well.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: I can't go and look at a woman's profile if she's not been suggested to me. I get to make a profile, and I get to see which matchmaker sees the profile. And then the matchmaker from there decides who else's profile I can see.
ROLLIN: So Esther was your first shot?
Mr. DRUCKMAN: Esther was my first shot.
ROLLIN: And?
ESTHER DRUCKMAN: And he almost said no.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: I almost said no. I was very skeptical. From the first phone call, it was love at first sight, love at first phone call. I hadn't even met her or seen her picture -- she didn't have a picture on the Web site.
Mrs. DRUCKMAN: The matchmaker called me; she told me that she had a suggestion for me, and she read the profile over the phone. And I really liked it, actually. I liked it a lot.
ROLLIN: What spoke to you about it?
Mrs DRUCKMAN: I'll tell you: passion. He kept talking about how he was passionate about studying and how he was passionate about music and he was passionate about everything he did in his life. And that was exactly what I wanted.
***
ROLLIN: Other religions have sites as well. There's DharmaDate for Buddhists; JDate for both religious and not-so-religious Jews. There's also Shaadi.com, primarily a Hindu site. And CatholicSingles.com and WhereChristiansMeet.com.
One of the biggest sites, eHarmony, is multifaith but got its start because of its founder's concern about his fellow Christians.
Dr. NEIL CLARK WARREN (Founder, eHarmony.com): Amongst Christians, the divorce rate is just as high as amongst atheists and agnostics, and that has been terrible for us to deal with.
ROLLIN: As the result of his research, Warren identified 29 key factors to consider in the selection of a partner.
Dr. WARREN: A lot of Christians think. "If I can just find somebody who agrees with me on the basic belief about God -- that is, Jesus as God -- and I feel turned on to them, we can make the marriage work." And I say that's 2 of 29!
ROLLIN: In addition, says Warren, one must consider differences within the same religion.
Dr. WARREN: A Pentecostal person is not going to be very happy with a very rational, very cognitive kind of Christian who doesn't get the spirit very much in their lives. So you've got to get things like that. You've got so many denominations in this country, in the Protestant camp, that if you try to get certain of those denominations together with other denominations, it's not going to work.
ROLLIN: Singles bars are still thriving, especially in big cities, like this one in New York, but many religious people wouldn't dream of going to a singles bar. While the young people here may be looking to hook up, as they say, for the short term, religious people are looking to hook up for life.
Ms. DURRAH: We believe that who you are with, that spouse that you are brought together with, is destiny. That God has decreed this -- that it's written before you are born who you are going to marry and share your life with.
ROLLIN: The Jewish teaching is much the same.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: You are destined to marry someone; you are destined to meet the right person. There's a question as to whether or not it was real. So I was very skeptical -- but not skeptical anymore.
ROLLIN: Who got you together, God or the Internet?
Mrs. DRUCKMAN: Well, God is powerful, but even he needs a little help.
ROLLIN: It may be that the most surprising marriage of all is this newly sanctified marriage of technology and religion. For RELIGION & ETHICS NEWSWEEKLY, I'm Betty Rollin.
February 11, 2005 - Episode no. 824
Reprinted from Religion & Ethics Newsweekly - an online companion to the weekly television news program of PBS, the Public Broadcasting Service
BOB ABERNETHY, anchor: With St. Valentine's Day this coming week, we have a report today on the latest in matchmaking -- online, with or without a matchmaker. There are about 800 Internet dating sites, among them those catering specifically to men and women of many religious faiths. Want to find a nice Christian or Jewish or Muslim life partner? Just log on.
Betty Rollin reports.
BETTY ROLLIN: Hala Durrah and Adeeb Jaber, who live in Bowie, Maryland, have been married -- very happily, they say -- for three years. Their daughter, Ayah, is two. Both Hala and Adeeb are traditional Muslims -- no casual dating allowed. But they met in a very untraditional way.
HALA DURRAH: I had gone through the traditional channels that a lot of Muslim-American and Arab-American women did, which were being introduced by people through your parents, through family friends. And I didn't really find anyone, and I was getting a bit frustrated. So a few friends kind of suggested to me, "Why don't you go on the Internet?" So I decided to try it, and I went on a Web site called Zawaj.com. I set up a profile describing who I was, briefly what I looked like, what my goals in life were, what I was looking for. At the same time you could browse the Web site to look at other profiles of eligible mates or partners and see what you liked and kind of respond to their ad.
ROLLIN: Adeeb, who is a doctor, also submitted a profile to Zawaj.com.
Dr. ADEEB JABER: I said that I'm a well-educated professional, actively practicing Muslim, seeking a Muslim who is also trying to do that which pleases God.
Ms. DURRAH: I had loved everything he said except for the age. At the time when I saw his profile, there would have been a 10-year age difference. And I kind of put the cutoff at 9 years.
ROLLIN: But after several weeks, Hala had second thoughts.
Ms. DURRAH: I saw his profile, and something in my head just kept telling me, "Respond! Just send him an e-mail. You have nothing to lose. Just do it!" And I did.
ROLLIN: And so they began to get to know each other via e-mail.
Dr. JABER: With the Internet, you can just log on, see where we last left off, you know, and then touch base again. And what it essentially did was it allowed for a beautiful continuum to go on. You actually grew with each other.
ROLLIN: As is the tradition, the family was soon involved, and a meeting with the young couple and Hala's parents was arranged.
Ms. DURRAH: My parents asked him questions, because in the Arab culture, and even in the Muslim religion, it's really a family kind of marrying a family.
ROLLIN: What did you think when you looked at him?
Ms. DURRAH: Well, I actually had a picture of him prior to his coming. He didn't know what I looked like, and he never asked.
ROLLIN (To Dr. Jaber): So what did you think?
Dr. JABER: When I first saw her in her veil, I first thought she looked like an angel, she looked so beautiful.
***
ROLLIN: Esther and Shlomo Druckman of New York City have been married just six months. Like Muslims, some Orthodox Jews also have strict dating restrictions.
SHLOMO DRUCKMAN: You can't be in the room alone with a woman; there's no physical contact until you are married, like you couldn't hold hands, you can't give her a hug.
ROLLIN: The Druckmans, too, turned to the Internet, to a site for observant Jews called Saw You at Sinai.com, which involves a matchmaker as well.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: I can't go and look at a woman's profile if she's not been suggested to me. I get to make a profile, and I get to see which matchmaker sees the profile. And then the matchmaker from there decides who else's profile I can see.
ROLLIN: So Esther was your first shot?
Mr. DRUCKMAN: Esther was my first shot.
ROLLIN: And?
ESTHER DRUCKMAN: And he almost said no.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: I almost said no. I was very skeptical. From the first phone call, it was love at first sight, love at first phone call. I hadn't even met her or seen her picture -- she didn't have a picture on the Web site.
Mrs. DRUCKMAN: The matchmaker called me; she told me that she had a suggestion for me, and she read the profile over the phone. And I really liked it, actually. I liked it a lot.
ROLLIN: What spoke to you about it?
Mrs DRUCKMAN: I'll tell you: passion. He kept talking about how he was passionate about studying and how he was passionate about music and he was passionate about everything he did in his life. And that was exactly what I wanted.
***
ROLLIN: Other religions have sites as well. There's DharmaDate for Buddhists; JDate for both religious and not-so-religious Jews. There's also Shaadi.com, primarily a Hindu site. And CatholicSingles.com and WhereChristiansMeet.com.
One of the biggest sites, eHarmony, is multifaith but got its start because of its founder's concern about his fellow Christians.
Dr. NEIL CLARK WARREN (Founder, eHarmony.com): Amongst Christians, the divorce rate is just as high as amongst atheists and agnostics, and that has been terrible for us to deal with.
ROLLIN: As the result of his research, Warren identified 29 key factors to consider in the selection of a partner.
Dr. WARREN: A lot of Christians think. "If I can just find somebody who agrees with me on the basic belief about God -- that is, Jesus as God -- and I feel turned on to them, we can make the marriage work." And I say that's 2 of 29!
ROLLIN: In addition, says Warren, one must consider differences within the same religion.
Dr. WARREN: A Pentecostal person is not going to be very happy with a very rational, very cognitive kind of Christian who doesn't get the spirit very much in their lives. So you've got to get things like that. You've got so many denominations in this country, in the Protestant camp, that if you try to get certain of those denominations together with other denominations, it's not going to work.
ROLLIN: Singles bars are still thriving, especially in big cities, like this one in New York, but many religious people wouldn't dream of going to a singles bar. While the young people here may be looking to hook up, as they say, for the short term, religious people are looking to hook up for life.
Ms. DURRAH: We believe that who you are with, that spouse that you are brought together with, is destiny. That God has decreed this -- that it's written before you are born who you are going to marry and share your life with.
ROLLIN: The Jewish teaching is much the same.
Mr. DRUCKMAN: You are destined to marry someone; you are destined to meet the right person. There's a question as to whether or not it was real. So I was very skeptical -- but not skeptical anymore.
ROLLIN: Who got you together, God or the Internet?
Mrs. DRUCKMAN: Well, God is powerful, but even he needs a little help.
ROLLIN: It may be that the most surprising marriage of all is this newly sanctified marriage of technology and religion. For RELIGION & ETHICS NEWSWEEKLY, I'm Betty Rollin.
Heard at Makkah: 'Are you single?'
Heard at Makkah: 'Are you single?'
Matchmakers ply their trade within Islam's holiest mosque
By Rym Ghazal
Contributor to the Christian Science Monitor
From the December 5, 2007 Edition
Edited slightly by Zawaj.com
Makkah, Saudi Arabia - In the midst of overlapping murmurs of prayers in a sea of white-cloaked worshipers, a woman's voice interrupts the collective trance as she asks: "Are you single?"
For hundreds of years, Makkah has been the sacred meeting point of millions of Muslims from across the world. They come to perform the Hajj, the annual major pilgrimage, or Umrah, a minor pilgrimage that can be performed anytime.
Matchmaking is a profession that's at least as old as Makkah. But until now, say Saudi scholars, it hasn't been practiced at Islam's holiest site.
"These days, practicing Muslim men are having a hard time finding practicing Muslim women," explains Um Mohammad matter-of-factly. She's carrying a tiny blue notebook to jot down personal information about potential brides that she meets inside the Haram Mosque where Muslims circumambulate the holy cubed structure, the Kaaba.
Um Mohammad Works the Crowd
Dressed in a black abaya – including the face covering known as niqab – and sporting black gloves, Um Mohammad (who declined to give her full name) is one of several matchmakers who can be seen approaching pious young Muslim women as they pray or perform rituals.
"Devoted Muslims come here, and so there is a better chance of finding a good match," says Um Mohammad, standing no taller than 5 ft. 2 in. She says she makes a minimum of 1,000 riyals ($268) plus gifts, such as perfume, from grateful mothers.
Um Mohammad says she's working for several mothers to find chaste wives for their sons in a place that's annually visited by around 3 million people for hajj. This year, the pilgrimage begins Dec. 18.
Aayesh Masri, a 22-year-old Saudi woman who was approached by one of the matchmakers, isn't troubled by the mixing of matchmaking and prayer.
"Why not? It is done under sincere intentions and it is no different than when potential suitors come to your home to meet your family," says Ms. Masri.
Vendors of All Kinds
Saudi historian Omar Tayeb isn't surprised, either. "Matchmakers are everywhere in Saudi. They find brides in supermarkets, malls, and mosques. Why not near the Kaaba?" he asks.
Modern pilgrims have also grown accustomed to seeing a variety of not-so-sacred activities near the sacred Kaaba, the cube that every Muslim on the planet faces during the five daily prayers. Worshipers often scramble and push to touch it. Some even rip off a piece of the kiswa - the black silk cloth with gold-embroidered calligraphy covering the Kaaba - as a religious souvenir.
Other makkah mementos can be obtained more easily. Local entrepreneurs, for example, have long worked the holy marbled white grounds.
"Scissors! Tissue! Prayer book! Only one riyal [about 27 cents]," cries out a boy of 6 struggling in the white sea of pilgrims. One of the rituals of the pilgrimage involves cutting one's hair. Tissues are used for wiping off sweat from the arduous walks between sacred sites.
The vendor's older brother is not far behind, selling Islamic stickers and passing out leaflets for his father's business - Quranic ring tones and customized prayers rugs.
From the corners of the mosque, sheikhs give public lectures, while religious police roam the crowd in search of "indecent conduct" and pickpockets.
Still, some Muslims see the matchmakers as another facet of the spreading commercialization of makkah, which comes at the expense of its sacredness.
"There is nothing holy about having Pizza Hut right next to the holiest site in Islam," says Mohammed Abdullah Attar, a religious scholar in one of the all-boys' schools in Makkah.
Construction Boom
The recent rise in oil prices is creating a new construction boom, funded mainly by members of the Saudi royal family. Some pilgrims comment disparagingly on the new glass-garbed, Vegas-style towers and glitzy five-star hotels encircling the holy site. Several of the towers are part of the Abraj al-Bait Mall (Arabic for "Towers of the House"), referring to the Kaaba's nickname, "the House of God." The mall is a complex of seven 30-story towers, still under construction but already promising to be one of Saudi Arabia's tallest - and most controversial.
"Makkah should be a site of religious contemplation and not a distraction of overpriced materialistic things," says Dr. Attar.
Saudi officials say that the expansion of hotels, stores, and restaurant chains is simply to care for the growing numbers of pilgrims. The city has always had shops and small restaurants, but the numbers were smaller, in part because travel to Makkah was difficult. The roads weren't paved, and there weren't enough hotels.
But after the oil boom of the 1970s, roads were paved, housing expanded, and the influx of pilgrims rose from tens of thousands to millions. Safety figures into the expansion, too, say officials. In some years, hundreds of people have died in stampedes.
"The changes in Makkah are well planned and studied, and are there to cater to the needs of visitors and residents," says a Saudi Interior Ministry official who asked to remain anonymous.
The building boom, notes Mr. Tayeb, is also justified by the spread of Islam. There are more Muslims who must come to Makkah each year.
Commerce with an Islamic Flair
Non-Muslims are prohibited from entering Makkah, so the commerce still has a distinctive Islamic flair. Quranic verses can be heard playing in some restaurants. And every arriving pilgrim with a cellphone is sent a text message in English and Arabic from the Saudi government: "You are now in Makkah! The dearest place to Allah and his Messenger - Peace be upon him - on earth."
Tayeb, the historian, says the traditional Saudi families here in Makkah feel "disappointment" over the modernization, but have accepted it as a reality. And he accepts the presence of matchmakers, as he does the other changes. The Makkah of his childhood is now gone, he says, adding: "The only thing that remains the same is the Kaaba."
Matchmakers ply their trade within Islam's holiest mosque
By Rym Ghazal
Contributor to the Christian Science Monitor
From the December 5, 2007 Edition
Edited slightly by Zawaj.com
Makkah, Saudi Arabia - In the midst of overlapping murmurs of prayers in a sea of white-cloaked worshipers, a woman's voice interrupts the collective trance as she asks: "Are you single?"
For hundreds of years, Makkah has been the sacred meeting point of millions of Muslims from across the world. They come to perform the Hajj, the annual major pilgrimage, or Umrah, a minor pilgrimage that can be performed anytime.
Matchmaking is a profession that's at least as old as Makkah. But until now, say Saudi scholars, it hasn't been practiced at Islam's holiest site.
"These days, practicing Muslim men are having a hard time finding practicing Muslim women," explains Um Mohammad matter-of-factly. She's carrying a tiny blue notebook to jot down personal information about potential brides that she meets inside the Haram Mosque where Muslims circumambulate the holy cubed structure, the Kaaba.
Um Mohammad Works the Crowd
Dressed in a black abaya – including the face covering known as niqab – and sporting black gloves, Um Mohammad (who declined to give her full name) is one of several matchmakers who can be seen approaching pious young Muslim women as they pray or perform rituals.
"Devoted Muslims come here, and so there is a better chance of finding a good match," says Um Mohammad, standing no taller than 5 ft. 2 in. She says she makes a minimum of 1,000 riyals ($268) plus gifts, such as perfume, from grateful mothers.
Um Mohammad says she's working for several mothers to find chaste wives for their sons in a place that's annually visited by around 3 million people for hajj. This year, the pilgrimage begins Dec. 18.
Aayesh Masri, a 22-year-old Saudi woman who was approached by one of the matchmakers, isn't troubled by the mixing of matchmaking and prayer.
"Why not? It is done under sincere intentions and it is no different than when potential suitors come to your home to meet your family," says Ms. Masri.
Vendors of All Kinds
Saudi historian Omar Tayeb isn't surprised, either. "Matchmakers are everywhere in Saudi. They find brides in supermarkets, malls, and mosques. Why not near the Kaaba?" he asks.
Modern pilgrims have also grown accustomed to seeing a variety of not-so-sacred activities near the sacred Kaaba, the cube that every Muslim on the planet faces during the five daily prayers. Worshipers often scramble and push to touch it. Some even rip off a piece of the kiswa - the black silk cloth with gold-embroidered calligraphy covering the Kaaba - as a religious souvenir.
Other makkah mementos can be obtained more easily. Local entrepreneurs, for example, have long worked the holy marbled white grounds.
"Scissors! Tissue! Prayer book! Only one riyal [about 27 cents]," cries out a boy of 6 struggling in the white sea of pilgrims. One of the rituals of the pilgrimage involves cutting one's hair. Tissues are used for wiping off sweat from the arduous walks between sacred sites.
The vendor's older brother is not far behind, selling Islamic stickers and passing out leaflets for his father's business - Quranic ring tones and customized prayers rugs.
From the corners of the mosque, sheikhs give public lectures, while religious police roam the crowd in search of "indecent conduct" and pickpockets.
Still, some Muslims see the matchmakers as another facet of the spreading commercialization of makkah, which comes at the expense of its sacredness.
"There is nothing holy about having Pizza Hut right next to the holiest site in Islam," says Mohammed Abdullah Attar, a religious scholar in one of the all-boys' schools in Makkah.
Construction Boom
The recent rise in oil prices is creating a new construction boom, funded mainly by members of the Saudi royal family. Some pilgrims comment disparagingly on the new glass-garbed, Vegas-style towers and glitzy five-star hotels encircling the holy site. Several of the towers are part of the Abraj al-Bait Mall (Arabic for "Towers of the House"), referring to the Kaaba's nickname, "the House of God." The mall is a complex of seven 30-story towers, still under construction but already promising to be one of Saudi Arabia's tallest - and most controversial.
"Makkah should be a site of religious contemplation and not a distraction of overpriced materialistic things," says Dr. Attar.
Saudi officials say that the expansion of hotels, stores, and restaurant chains is simply to care for the growing numbers of pilgrims. The city has always had shops and small restaurants, but the numbers were smaller, in part because travel to Makkah was difficult. The roads weren't paved, and there weren't enough hotels.
But after the oil boom of the 1970s, roads were paved, housing expanded, and the influx of pilgrims rose from tens of thousands to millions. Safety figures into the expansion, too, say officials. In some years, hundreds of people have died in stampedes.
"The changes in Makkah are well planned and studied, and are there to cater to the needs of visitors and residents," says a Saudi Interior Ministry official who asked to remain anonymous.
The building boom, notes Mr. Tayeb, is also justified by the spread of Islam. There are more Muslims who must come to Makkah each year.
Commerce with an Islamic Flair
Non-Muslims are prohibited from entering Makkah, so the commerce still has a distinctive Islamic flair. Quranic verses can be heard playing in some restaurants. And every arriving pilgrim with a cellphone is sent a text message in English and Arabic from the Saudi government: "You are now in Makkah! The dearest place to Allah and his Messenger - Peace be upon him - on earth."
Tayeb, the historian, says the traditional Saudi families here in Makkah feel "disappointment" over the modernization, but have accepted it as a reality. And he accepts the presence of matchmakers, as he does the other changes. The Makkah of his childhood is now gone, he says, adding: "The only thing that remains the same is the Kaaba."
Disastrous Daughter-In-Law
Disastrous Daughter-In-Law
Resolving the Conflict Between Wives and Their In-Laws
By Saleeha Bhamjee
This article first appeared in the Muslim Woman Magazine
Saaleha Bhamjee is a freelance writer based in South Africa. Her writings have appeared in various print and online publications both locally and abroad. She is an Islamic Writer's Alliance member.
It's a syndrome that we daughters-in-laws all suffer from at times. Disastrous is exactly what it is, for it obstructs peace and harmony in every family where the daughter-in-law manifests symptoms. For some of us it's a passing phase, like passing from adolescence to adulthood, while for others adulthood never comes, so the syndrome becomes chronic and general unhappiness is always the result thereof.
Because I received a fair amount of flak after publishing "Peace in Our Times: Mother- & Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" last month and had a good many daughters-in-law smiling benignly at their mothers-in-law when they shrewdly showed them the article, I felt a crying need to explore the other side of the coin.
"My Parents Are Better than Yours"
And what exactly is this "Disastrous Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" that I have just referred to? It starts with a belief that your in-laws are never good. Quite honestly, there is nothing good in them at all. You're always comparing them to your own parents, loudly and always in the presence of their son, with the express purpose of showing him just how inadequate his parents really are. You make a huge fuss of anything your parents give to you or your children, and even though you never vocalize it, the underlying meaning is "See, my parents love the children more than yours do!" If your in-laws send a gift, your ccomments are usually anything but kind.
You would gladly empty your entire house for your own parents, but if your in-laws request anything from their son, you get angry. It's an ongoing competition.
My parents are better than yours; my brother is handsomer than yours; my sisters bake better than yours; my cousins are friendlier than yours; my mother's house is cleaner than your mother's house; our children love my parents more than they do yours; my mother's cat is prettier than your mother's cat, and so on.
"Annoying, isn't it?" That's probably what most husbands would say. Depending on how fiercely loyal your husband is to his family, the results of this continuous battle will vary. Some men eventually succumb. They declare a cease-fire, promise never to mention anything good about their parents ever after, and are only too glad to spend every weekend thereafter at your parents' place, visiting their own parents only once every two months.
For other men, such behavior becomes an open declaration of war. They begin to keep you and the children away from your parents and insist that you spend every weekend thereafter at their parents' place, much to your ire.
So is there a solution?
Well, this is my well-tried remedy that has worked for me. The rules are as follows:
Grow up. Such behavior is decidedly immature.
Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.
Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends. That way, even though you haven't grown to like them as of yet, you will in time.
Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband's parents?
Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment for you, having their son married is an adjustment for them, too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You all will now have to learn to share.
Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.
Be thankful, rather than jealous, when your children show them love. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother's wife did the same with your own parents?
Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by for a visit. You would do the same for your own parents, no doubt.
Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped their boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.
Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.
Instead of demanding, be a giver. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In so doing, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.
Recompense comes from Allah. Give and give and don't ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah. Allah says [And what is the reward of good except good?] (Ar-Rahman 55:60).
Now, mother-in-law, pick up that phone and call your daughter-in-law. It's time to get your own back. Provided, of course, that you took the advice for mothers-in-law given the last time around.
Resolving the Conflict Between Wives and Their In-Laws
By Saleeha Bhamjee
This article first appeared in the Muslim Woman Magazine
Saaleha Bhamjee is a freelance writer based in South Africa. Her writings have appeared in various print and online publications both locally and abroad. She is an Islamic Writer's Alliance member.
It's a syndrome that we daughters-in-laws all suffer from at times. Disastrous is exactly what it is, for it obstructs peace and harmony in every family where the daughter-in-law manifests symptoms. For some of us it's a passing phase, like passing from adolescence to adulthood, while for others adulthood never comes, so the syndrome becomes chronic and general unhappiness is always the result thereof.
Because I received a fair amount of flak after publishing "Peace in Our Times: Mother- & Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" last month and had a good many daughters-in-law smiling benignly at their mothers-in-law when they shrewdly showed them the article, I felt a crying need to explore the other side of the coin.
"My Parents Are Better than Yours"
And what exactly is this "Disastrous Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" that I have just referred to? It starts with a belief that your in-laws are never good. Quite honestly, there is nothing good in them at all. You're always comparing them to your own parents, loudly and always in the presence of their son, with the express purpose of showing him just how inadequate his parents really are. You make a huge fuss of anything your parents give to you or your children, and even though you never vocalize it, the underlying meaning is "See, my parents love the children more than yours do!" If your in-laws send a gift, your ccomments are usually anything but kind.
You would gladly empty your entire house for your own parents, but if your in-laws request anything from their son, you get angry. It's an ongoing competition.
My parents are better than yours; my brother is handsomer than yours; my sisters bake better than yours; my cousins are friendlier than yours; my mother's house is cleaner than your mother's house; our children love my parents more than they do yours; my mother's cat is prettier than your mother's cat, and so on.
"Annoying, isn't it?" That's probably what most husbands would say. Depending on how fiercely loyal your husband is to his family, the results of this continuous battle will vary. Some men eventually succumb. They declare a cease-fire, promise never to mention anything good about their parents ever after, and are only too glad to spend every weekend thereafter at your parents' place, visiting their own parents only once every two months.
For other men, such behavior becomes an open declaration of war. They begin to keep you and the children away from your parents and insist that you spend every weekend thereafter at their parents' place, much to your ire.
So is there a solution?
Well, this is my well-tried remedy that has worked for me. The rules are as follows:
Grow up. Such behavior is decidedly immature.
Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.
Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends. That way, even though you haven't grown to like them as of yet, you will in time.
Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband's parents?
Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment for you, having their son married is an adjustment for them, too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You all will now have to learn to share.
Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.
Be thankful, rather than jealous, when your children show them love. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother's wife did the same with your own parents?
Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by for a visit. You would do the same for your own parents, no doubt.
Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped their boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.
Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.
Instead of demanding, be a giver. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In so doing, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.
Recompense comes from Allah. Give and give and don't ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah. Allah says [And what is the reward of good except good?] (Ar-Rahman 55:60).
Now, mother-in-law, pick up that phone and call your daughter-in-law. It's time to get your own back. Provided, of course, that you took the advice for mothers-in-law given the last time around.
Acts to Benefit a Deceased Person (Such as a Parent)
Acts to Benefit a Deceased Person (Such as a Parent)
By IslamOnline.net, Reprinted from their Fatwa Bank
Name of Questioner: Najeeb
Question: Respected scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. What are the acts that can be done to benefit a deceased person? Jazakum Allah khayran.
Date: 10 August, 2003
Name of Counsellor: IslamOnline Shari'ah Researchers
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.
Responding to the question in point, Dr. Ahmad Sa`eed Hawwa, professor of Islamic Jurisprudence, at Jordan University, issued the following Fatwa:
“The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said,
“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.”
In addition to the aforementioned acts, there are other deeds from which a dead person can derive posthumous benefits. They are represented in continuous supplication from his relatives to him, giving voluntary charity on his behalf, reciting the Qur’an on his behalf, and other righteous deeds done for the purpose of catering for others’ welfare.
May Allah guide you to the straight path and direct you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.”
Elaborating on the acts that can benefit the dead, Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Muslim lecturer and author, states:
Islam has explained what actions on the part of the living may benefit the dead, and what may reach them in their graves.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.” (Reported by at-Tirmidhi with a good chain of transmission)
The most important thing that will benefit the deceased is to strive to pray for him/her and ask for forgiveness and mercy for him, and for Paradise and salvation from the Fire, and other good and beautiful du`a’s (supplications). Prayers for forgiveness offered by both sons and daughters of the deceased bring great benefits, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“A man’s status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, ‘How did I get here?’ He will be told, ‘By your son’s du`a’s (prayers) for forgiveness for you.” (Reported by Ibn Majah)
Another thing that may reach the deceased is sadaqah (charity) given on his behalf, because ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): “My mother has passed away, and if she could have spoken, she would have given something in charity. Will she receive a reward if I give something on her behalf?" He said, “Yes.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)
Other deeds that may also benefit the deceased are Hajj and `Umrah on their behalf, after the living person has first performed Hajj and `Umrah on his or her own behalf.
‘Abdullah ibn Buraydah reported that his father (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
“While I was sitting with the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), a woman came to him and said: ‘I gave my mother a servant-woman in charity, and now my mother has died.’ He said: ‘You have got your reward, and your right of inheritance has brought your gift back to you.’ She said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, she still had one month to fast – can I fast it on her behalf?’ He said, ‘Fast it on her behalf.’ She said, ‘She never went to Hajj – can I perform Hajj on her behalf?’ He said, ‘Perform Hajj on her behalf.’” (Reported by Muslim)
This shows that it is also permissible to fast on behalf of the deceased.
Another thing that may benefit the deceased is to fulfil their nadhr (vow), because Ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father) reported that a woman came to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and said: “My mother made a vow to perform Hajj but she died before she could do it. Can I perform Hajj on her behalf?" He said, “Yes, perform Hajj on her behalf. Don’t you think that if your mother owed a debt you would pay it off?” She said, "Yes." He said, “Then pay off what is owed to Allah, for Allah is more deserving of having vows fulfilled.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)
Another thing that may benefit the deceased is if his relative devotes a share to him of a sacrifice he offers. When the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) offered a sacrifice, he said: “In the name of Allah, O Allah, on behalf of Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.” (Reported by Muslim) The family of Muhammad included both the living and the dead.
Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: www.islam-qa.com
Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, adds:
We read in a number of traditions that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told the children whose parents had passed away to give charities or perform pilgrimages, etc. on their behalf. Based on such traditions, most of the scholars are of the opinion that children may do all kinds of charitable or good deeds on behalf of their parents; once they are performed with the intention of sending their rewards to them, Allah, out of His sheer mercy, will convey rewards to them.
Many scholars include reading of the Qur’an in this category of permissible good works that one may do on behalf of one’s deceased parents or relatives. They have done so based on their reasoning that there is no reason to exclude such an act from the above general permissions granted by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
Thus it has become an almost a widely accepted practice in the Muslim community; the Muslims throughout the centuries have been practising the same; so one should never object to it. But having said this I must add a word of caution: One must not do this by setting a fixed date such as the seventh day, the fortieth day or the death anniversaries, etc. for by setting aside such dates for specific rituals we incur the sin of making innovations in religion.
By IslamOnline.net, Reprinted from their Fatwa Bank
Name of Questioner: Najeeb
Question: Respected scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. What are the acts that can be done to benefit a deceased person? Jazakum Allah khayran.
Date: 10 August, 2003
Name of Counsellor: IslamOnline Shari'ah Researchers
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.
Responding to the question in point, Dr. Ahmad Sa`eed Hawwa, professor of Islamic Jurisprudence, at Jordan University, issued the following Fatwa:
“The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said,
“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.”
In addition to the aforementioned acts, there are other deeds from which a dead person can derive posthumous benefits. They are represented in continuous supplication from his relatives to him, giving voluntary charity on his behalf, reciting the Qur’an on his behalf, and other righteous deeds done for the purpose of catering for others’ welfare.
May Allah guide you to the straight path and direct you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.”
Elaborating on the acts that can benefit the dead, Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Muslim lecturer and author, states:
Islam has explained what actions on the part of the living may benefit the dead, and what may reach them in their graves.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.” (Reported by at-Tirmidhi with a good chain of transmission)
The most important thing that will benefit the deceased is to strive to pray for him/her and ask for forgiveness and mercy for him, and for Paradise and salvation from the Fire, and other good and beautiful du`a’s (supplications). Prayers for forgiveness offered by both sons and daughters of the deceased bring great benefits, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“A man’s status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, ‘How did I get here?’ He will be told, ‘By your son’s du`a’s (prayers) for forgiveness for you.” (Reported by Ibn Majah)
Another thing that may reach the deceased is sadaqah (charity) given on his behalf, because ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): “My mother has passed away, and if she could have spoken, she would have given something in charity. Will she receive a reward if I give something on her behalf?" He said, “Yes.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)
Other deeds that may also benefit the deceased are Hajj and `Umrah on their behalf, after the living person has first performed Hajj and `Umrah on his or her own behalf.
‘Abdullah ibn Buraydah reported that his father (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
“While I was sitting with the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), a woman came to him and said: ‘I gave my mother a servant-woman in charity, and now my mother has died.’ He said: ‘You have got your reward, and your right of inheritance has brought your gift back to you.’ She said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, she still had one month to fast – can I fast it on her behalf?’ He said, ‘Fast it on her behalf.’ She said, ‘She never went to Hajj – can I perform Hajj on her behalf?’ He said, ‘Perform Hajj on her behalf.’” (Reported by Muslim)
This shows that it is also permissible to fast on behalf of the deceased.
Another thing that may benefit the deceased is to fulfil their nadhr (vow), because Ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father) reported that a woman came to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and said: “My mother made a vow to perform Hajj but she died before she could do it. Can I perform Hajj on her behalf?" He said, “Yes, perform Hajj on her behalf. Don’t you think that if your mother owed a debt you would pay it off?” She said, "Yes." He said, “Then pay off what is owed to Allah, for Allah is more deserving of having vows fulfilled.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)
Another thing that may benefit the deceased is if his relative devotes a share to him of a sacrifice he offers. When the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) offered a sacrifice, he said: “In the name of Allah, O Allah, on behalf of Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.” (Reported by Muslim) The family of Muhammad included both the living and the dead.
Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: www.islam-qa.com
Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, adds:
We read in a number of traditions that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told the children whose parents had passed away to give charities or perform pilgrimages, etc. on their behalf. Based on such traditions, most of the scholars are of the opinion that children may do all kinds of charitable or good deeds on behalf of their parents; once they are performed with the intention of sending their rewards to them, Allah, out of His sheer mercy, will convey rewards to them.
Many scholars include reading of the Qur’an in this category of permissible good works that one may do on behalf of one’s deceased parents or relatives. They have done so based on their reasoning that there is no reason to exclude such an act from the above general permissions granted by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
Thus it has become an almost a widely accepted practice in the Muslim community; the Muslims throughout the centuries have been practising the same; so one should never object to it. But having said this I must add a word of caution: One must not do this by setting a fixed date such as the seventh day, the fortieth day or the death anniversaries, etc. for by setting aside such dates for specific rituals we incur the sin of making innovations in religion.
The Etiquette of Dealing With Parents
The Etiquette of Dealing With Parents
from 'Etiquettes of Life in Islam' by Muhammad Yusuf Islahi
1. Behave well towards your father and mother
Behave well towards your father and mother and consider this good conduct as a propitious act which will earn God's grace in this world as well as in the next. Next to God, man owes the greatest obligation to his parents. The greatness and value of this obligation towards one's parents may be realised from the fact that the Holy Qur'an at several points mentions the rights of parents and the rights of God simultaneously at one place. Furthermore, the Holy Qur'an has ordained the duty of offering thanks to the parents along with thanksgiving to the Lord.
"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none save Him and (that ye show) kindness to parents."
[17:23]
Hadrat 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (radiAllahu anhu) relates "I submitted to the Holy Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) which deed will win the highest favour of God?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) answered : "The prayer which is offered at the appointed hour. I submitted again: 'Next to this which other deed will win the greatest favour of God?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed : "Good conduct towards father and mother." I again submitted : 'And next to this?' The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Jihad in the way of Allah." [sahih al-Bukhari, Muslim]
Hadrat 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) reports : "One day a person went to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted : "I give my hand into your hand and swear allegiance for performing Hijrat and Jihad and I beseech a reward from God in return for this." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired: "Is one of your parents alive?" He submitted: "Yes, praise be to God, both my father and mother are alive." Thereupon the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Well then do you really want to receive a reward from God for performing Hijrat and Jihad?" The man replied : "Yes, indeed, I beseech reward from God in return for these acts." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Go then. Attend to your parents and serve them well". [Muslim]
Hadrat Abu Umama (radiAllahu anhu) relates: "A man enquired from the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! What are the rights of parents over their offspring?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Your entry into Paradise or Hell depends on your good or bad conduct towards your parents." [Ibn Majah]
In other words, if you treat them well, you will be sent to Paradise and if you violate the rights that your parents have over you, you will be consigned to serve as fuel for Hell-Fire."
2. Be grateful to your parents
Thanksgiving and an acknowledgement of debt and gratitude are the first duties which a beneficiary owes to the benefactor. It is a fact that the parents are the palpable cause for our existence. Again, it is under their protection and upbringing that we grow up to an age of maturity. The extraordinary self- sacrifice, unparalleled devotion and deep affection with which they patronize us demand that our hearts should be filled with sentiments of reverence, indebtedness, love and an acknowledgement of their magnanimity and every fibre of our heart should pulsate with feelings of gratitude to them. It is for this reason that God has ordained offering of gratitude to parents along with thanksgiving to Him.
"(We willed) that you should offer thanks to Me and remain grateful to your father and mother."
3. Always try to make your parents happy
Do not say anything in opposition to their will or temperament which may displease them, especially when they are advanced in age they acquire a peevish and irritable temperament. In old age parents start making unexpected demands and begin proffering impossible claims. In this case also tolerate their behaviour in good cheer and do not say anything in anger in response to their demands which may cause them pain and may injure their feelings.
"If one or both of thy parents reach an advanced age with thee, say not 'fie' unto them nor repulse them."
As a matter of fact, the strength to tolerate unpleasant things is sapped daring old age and weakness increases the sense of self-importance in old people. Hence they react sensitively to even minor offensive matters. Keeping in view their delicate and sensitive nature, do not let your parents feel angry by any of your words or deeds.
Hadrat 'Abdullah b. Amr (radiAllahu anhu) relates that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed : "The pleasure of God is contained in the pleasure of the father even as His displeasure is contained in the displeasure of the father." [at-Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban, Hakim]
In other words, anyone who wants to please God should seek the pleasure of his father, for if the father is angry, the favour of God cannot be earned. The one who makes his father angry provokes the wrath of God."
Another statement of Hadrat 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) runs as follows: "A man left his parents weeping and came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) for the purpose of offering allegiance to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) for Hijrah. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed to him: "Go back to your parents and return after making them happy as you came after leaving them crying." [Abu Dawud]
4. Do service to your parents with heart and soul
If God has afforded you the opportunity to serve your parents, it is in fact a favourable opportunity for you to earn entitlement to Paradise and to win the Pleasure of God. Good service to parents secures blessings and grace in both worlds and man obtains salvation from the calamities of this world and the next. Hadrat Anas (God be pleased 'with him) relates: "Any man who desires that his life should be prolonged and his subsistence may be increased ought to do good service to his parents and show kindness to them."
[al-Targhib-o-Tarhib]
The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) has observed : "Let that man be disgraced, and disgraced again and let him be disgraced even more." The people enquired : "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you) who is that man?" The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "I refer to the man who finds his parents old in age - both of them or one of them - and yet did not earn entitlement to Paradise by rendering good service to them."
[Muslim]
On one occasion, the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) gave precedence to the obligation of looking after one's parents over one of the supreme forms of worship like Jihad. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a companion (God be pleased with him) to proceed on Jihad and urged him to look after his parents.
Hadrat 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr (radiAllahu anhu) relates that a person came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah he upon him) with the intention of participating in the Jihad. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him : "Are your father and mother alive?" He submitted : "Yes, they are alive". The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) thereupon observed: "Go and render good service to them. This is the Jihad".
[sahih al-Bukhari, Muslim]
5. Respect and adore your parents
Respect and adore your parents and do not show disrespect to them by a single word or action. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
"But speak to them a gracious word."
[17:23]
On one occasion Hadrat 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) enquired from Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) : "Do you wish to ward off Hell and gain entry into Paradise?" Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) answered : "Yes, why not, I swear in the name of God I cherish this desire". Hadrat Ibn 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) then asked : "Are your parents alive?" Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) replied : "Yes, my mother is alive," Ibn 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) remarked: "If you talk to them in a polite manner and look after their needs and feed them well, you will certainly be admitted to Paradise provided you abstain from capital evils."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) once saw two men. He asked one of them : "What is your relationship with the other man?" The person replied: "He is my father." Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) thereupon advised him, "Look, never call him by his proper name, walk ahead of him nor sit before he takes his seat."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
6. Be faithful and humble towards your parents
"And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy."
[17:23]
To offer humble obedience to parents implies to pay constant regard to their dignity. Do not assume a haughty attitude towards them, nor treat them with insolence.
7. Love your parents
Love your parents and consider this act as a privilege and a source of reward in the eternal world. Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) relates that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "The pious offspring who casts a single look of affection at his parents receives a reward from God equal to the reward of an accepted Hajj." The people submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you) : If someone casts a hundred such glances of love and affection at his parents, what then?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed; "Yes, indeed, even if one does so a hundred times a day, he will get a hundred fold reward. God is far greater than you imagine and is completely free from petty narrow mindedness."
[Muslim]
8. Obey your parents with full devotion
Obey your parents with full devotion. Even if they show some intransigence, obey their will cheerfully. Keeping in view the great favours which they have done to you, try to fulfil all their demands willingly which may be offensive to your own taste or temperament, provided, of course, they are not derogatory to the tenets of religion.
Hadrat Abu Sa'id (radiAllahu anhu) narrates that a person came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) from Yemen. The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him, "Do you have any relations in Yemen?' He submitted: "Yes, my father and mother are there". The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) then asked: "Did they give you permission to leave?" He submitted: "No, I did not take their permission". The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) thereupon observed : "Go back then and ask the permission of your father and mother. If they agree, come back and join the Jihad, otherwise, attend on them and render good service to them."
[Abu Dawud]
Realize the value of rendering obedience to parents from the fact that a man came from miles intending to join the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in Holy war for the glory of religion, yet the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) turned him back saying: "You can join the Holy War only if both your father and mother allow you to do so."
Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) reports that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "The man who wakes up in the morning having previously discharged all the duties and obligations laid upon him by God concerning his parents, he will find the two gates of Paradise open for him on waking up in the morning; and in case there is only one parent, the person will find one door of Paradise open for him. And in contrast if a man wakes up in the morning having previously disregarded any obligations or duties laid upon him by God concerning his parents, then he will find two gates of Hell open for him on waking up in the morning; and in case one of the parents is alive, then the man will find one gate of Hell open for him." The man submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you), if the parents are treating him wrongly, what then?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Yes, even if they are treating him wrongly; yes, indeed, even if they are treating him wrongly."
[Mishkat]
9. Consider your own goods as the property of your parents and spend your capital on them with an open hand
Consider your own goods as the property of your parents and spend your capital on them with an open hand. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
Yus'alunaka madha yunfiquna qul ma anfaqtum min khairin falil walidaini. [2:215]
They ask thee, what they shall spend. Say what ye spend for good mast go to parents."
On one occasion a man came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and complained that his father took whatever goods he wanted from him. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) sent for that man's father. An old, infirm man came walking with the help of a stick. When the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) interrogated him on the point, the old man submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! There was a time when I was strong and he was weak and helpless. I had money and he was empty-handed. I never forbade him then to lay his hands on anything that I possessed. Today, he is strong and healthy and I am old and infirm. He has money and I am empty-handed. He now denies me access to his goods." Upon hearing this tale of the old man, the Benefactor of the humanity (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) burst into tears and addressing the son of the old man observed: "You and your goods are the property of your father."
10. Even if your father and mother are non-Muslim, treat them well
Even if your father and mother are non-Muslims, treat them well. Continue to pay them respect and devotion and serve them faithfully. However, in case they command you to become a polytheist or indulge in a sinful act, refuse to obey them and sternly repulse their demand.
"And if your (parents) pressure you to associate someone with Me of which you
have no knowledge, obey them not, yet continue to treat them well in the world."
Hadrat Asma' (radiAllahu anha) states: "In the sacred lifetime of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), my mother visited me on one occasion. She was a polytheist at that time. I submitted to the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): "My mother has come to pay me a visit and she is an unbeliever in Islam. How should I treat her?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Yes, you should continue to show kindness to your mother." [sahih al-Bukhari]
11. Offer prayers begging grace for your parents
Offer prayers begging grace for your parents, Bring to mind their fervent appeals to the Lord and beg His mercy for them with a zealous and sincere heart. God ordains:
"And say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both
as they did care for me when I was little."
In other words, say: "O Creator, with mercy, devotion, affection and love, my Lord, they reared me in childhood and sacrificed their own pleasure and ease for my sake but, they, in their infirmity and helplessness of old age, are more deserving of kindness, and love than I ever was. God! I can pay them no recompense. Do patronize them and show them mercy in their miserable state".
12. Observe special care in looking after your mother
Observe special care in looking after your mother. By nature, the mother is weak and more sensitive and needs your better treatment and devotion. Moreover, her favours and sacrifices are comparatively far greater than the father. Hence religion has conceded preferential rights to the mother and has enjoined upon the believers to treat their mothers with special consideration. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
"And We have commanded unto man kindness towards parents.
His mother beareth him with suffering,
bringeth him forth with suffering,
bearing of him and weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]
While enjoining upon the believers to show good behaviour towards both father and mother, the Holy Qur'an has drawn a poignant picture of constant suffering of pain and hardships by the mother and has excellently pointed out in a psychological manner the fact that the devoted mother deserves comparatively more of your service and kind behaviour than your father. The same fact has been elucidated in greater detail by the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) reports: "A man came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you!' Who deserves the noblest treatment from me?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Your mother." He again submitted: "And next?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Your mother." When the man submitted for the fourth time: "And who next?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Your father."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
Hadrat Jahma (radiAllahu anhu) paid a call on the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! I wish to join you in the Jihad and have come to solicit your guidance in this matter. I seek your command." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him : "Is your mother alive?" Jahma (God be pleased with him) submitted: "Yea, she is alive." Thereupon the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), said "Return to her then and devote yourself to her service, for Paradise lies under her feet."
[Ibn Majah, Nasa'i]
Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) was a contemporary of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), but be could never attain the privilege of calling on the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He had an old mother to whose service he devoted himself day and night. He cherished a great desire to see the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and it was but natural for every Muslim to have a burning desire to catch a glimpse of the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) indeed wanted to pay a call, yet the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade him to come. Similarly, Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) cherished an ambition to discharge the obligation of Hajj, yet as long as his mother remained alive, Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) never set out for the Hajj alone, he fulfilled the desire to perform Hajj only after his mother's demise.
13. Treat your foster mother well
Treat your foster mother well. Do service to her and show her respect and adoration. Hadrat Abu Tafail (radiAllahu anhu) states: ''I once witnessed the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) distributing meat at a place called 'Ja'rana'. Presently, a lady arrived and approached near the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) spread out his sheet for her and the lady sat on it. I enquired from the people, "Who is this lady?" The people told me: "This lady is the foster mother of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
[abu Dawud]
14. Remember your parents after they have passed away
Remember your parents after they have passed away. Observe the following etiquette to render good service to your deceased parents:
i. Offer prayers continuously invoking mercy of God upon your dead father and mother.
The Holy Qur'an enjoins upon the pious to say this prayer:
O our Lord! Grant forgiveness to me and my parents and pardon all the faithful on the day of Reckoning.
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) states: "When the deceased is elevated to high degrees of favour, he inquires in astonishment : "How so?" He is informed by God, "Your offspring have been offering prayers begging mercy for you (and God has accepted those petitions of mercy)."
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) also states: "The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : The opportunity to do something ends with one's death, yet there are three things which continue to afford benefit to him after death - a recurring charitable act; knowledge which he has imparted to others from which people derive benefit and thirdly, pious offspring who continue to offer prayers invoking mercy of God upon him.
ii. Fulfil all the contracts and promises made by your parents and carry out their will.
Your parents must have made many agreements with some people, they might have made a covenant with God; they might have taken a vow; they might have promised to deliver goods to someone; they might have owed a debt to somebody but were unable to discharge it before death overtook them; they might have made a will at the time of their death. Fulfil all these obligations to the extent of your means.
Hadrat 'Abdullah b. 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) narrates: "Hadrat Sa'd b. 'Ubada (radiAllahu anhu) submitted to the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! My mother had taken a vow, but she expired before discharging it. Can I carry out the vow on her behalf?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Why not! You must carry out the vow taken by her."
iii. Show good conduct to the friends of your father and the female companions of your mother.
Treat them with respect. Seek their advice just as you seek the advice of your elders and pay due regard to their opinions and advice. On one occasion, the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "There is no superior deed of piety than that man should do good service to the companions and friends of his father."
Once Hadrat Abu Darda (radiAllahu anhu) fell ill and his condition continued to aggravate till they lost all hope of his life. Hadrat Yusuf b. 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) made a long journey and came to enquire after his health. On seeing him, Hadrat Abu Darda asked in astonishment: "How are you here?" Yusuf b. 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) replied : "I have come here only to enquire after your health, for you were on terms of deep friendship with my late father."
Hadrat Abu Barda (radiAllahu anhu) relates: "When I arrived in Medina, 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) paid me a visit and said : "Abu Barda (God be pleased with you), do you know why I have come to see you?" I replied : "No, I have no idea why you have come here." Thereupon Hadrat 'Abdullah b. "Umar (radiAllahu anhu) said: "I have heard the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) as affirming: "The man who wishes to render good service to his father, who is in the grave, ought to show good treatment to his father's companions and friends." Having related this saying of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) remarked: "Brother, my father "Umar and your father (radiAllahu anhu) were on terms of deep friendship. I wish to commemorate this friendship and fulfil its duties."
[Ibn Hibban]
iv. Show constant good treatment to the relations of your parents and entertain full respect and pay due regard to the sanctity of these connections.
An indifferent and irresponsible conduct towards these relations is tantamount to treating your own parents with indifference and negligence. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Do not observe indifference towards your forefathers. To show carelessness in your conduct towards your parents is to display ingratitude to God."
15. Discharge your full obligations towards your parents in their lifetime
If, God forbid, you have been guilty of negligence in treating your parents well or discharging your full obligations towards them during their lifetime, do not despair of God's mercy. Offer prayers constantly invoking blessings of God upon your deceased parents. It is possible God may forgive your sin of negligence and admit you among the ranks of the pious people.
Hadrat Anas (radiAllahu anhu) relates: The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "If a person does not observe filial devotion to his parents during their lifetime, and both parents or one of them passes away, the person ought to offer prayers for his deceased parents and beg His Mercy and beseech Him to grant salvation to them till God in His Mercy ordains their admission to the rolls of the pious people."
from 'Etiquettes of Life in Islam' by Muhammad Yusuf Islahi
1. Behave well towards your father and mother
Behave well towards your father and mother and consider this good conduct as a propitious act which will earn God's grace in this world as well as in the next. Next to God, man owes the greatest obligation to his parents. The greatness and value of this obligation towards one's parents may be realised from the fact that the Holy Qur'an at several points mentions the rights of parents and the rights of God simultaneously at one place. Furthermore, the Holy Qur'an has ordained the duty of offering thanks to the parents along with thanksgiving to the Lord.
"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none save Him and (that ye show) kindness to parents."
[17:23]
Hadrat 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (radiAllahu anhu) relates "I submitted to the Holy Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) which deed will win the highest favour of God?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) answered : "The prayer which is offered at the appointed hour. I submitted again: 'Next to this which other deed will win the greatest favour of God?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed : "Good conduct towards father and mother." I again submitted : 'And next to this?' The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Jihad in the way of Allah." [sahih al-Bukhari, Muslim]
Hadrat 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) reports : "One day a person went to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted : "I give my hand into your hand and swear allegiance for performing Hijrat and Jihad and I beseech a reward from God in return for this." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired: "Is one of your parents alive?" He submitted: "Yes, praise be to God, both my father and mother are alive." Thereupon the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Well then do you really want to receive a reward from God for performing Hijrat and Jihad?" The man replied : "Yes, indeed, I beseech reward from God in return for these acts." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Go then. Attend to your parents and serve them well". [Muslim]
Hadrat Abu Umama (radiAllahu anhu) relates: "A man enquired from the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! What are the rights of parents over their offspring?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Your entry into Paradise or Hell depends on your good or bad conduct towards your parents." [Ibn Majah]
In other words, if you treat them well, you will be sent to Paradise and if you violate the rights that your parents have over you, you will be consigned to serve as fuel for Hell-Fire."
2. Be grateful to your parents
Thanksgiving and an acknowledgement of debt and gratitude are the first duties which a beneficiary owes to the benefactor. It is a fact that the parents are the palpable cause for our existence. Again, it is under their protection and upbringing that we grow up to an age of maturity. The extraordinary self- sacrifice, unparalleled devotion and deep affection with which they patronize us demand that our hearts should be filled with sentiments of reverence, indebtedness, love and an acknowledgement of their magnanimity and every fibre of our heart should pulsate with feelings of gratitude to them. It is for this reason that God has ordained offering of gratitude to parents along with thanksgiving to Him.
"(We willed) that you should offer thanks to Me and remain grateful to your father and mother."
3. Always try to make your parents happy
Do not say anything in opposition to their will or temperament which may displease them, especially when they are advanced in age they acquire a peevish and irritable temperament. In old age parents start making unexpected demands and begin proffering impossible claims. In this case also tolerate their behaviour in good cheer and do not say anything in anger in response to their demands which may cause them pain and may injure their feelings.
"If one or both of thy parents reach an advanced age with thee, say not 'fie' unto them nor repulse them."
As a matter of fact, the strength to tolerate unpleasant things is sapped daring old age and weakness increases the sense of self-importance in old people. Hence they react sensitively to even minor offensive matters. Keeping in view their delicate and sensitive nature, do not let your parents feel angry by any of your words or deeds.
Hadrat 'Abdullah b. Amr (radiAllahu anhu) relates that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed : "The pleasure of God is contained in the pleasure of the father even as His displeasure is contained in the displeasure of the father." [at-Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban, Hakim]
In other words, anyone who wants to please God should seek the pleasure of his father, for if the father is angry, the favour of God cannot be earned. The one who makes his father angry provokes the wrath of God."
Another statement of Hadrat 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) runs as follows: "A man left his parents weeping and came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) for the purpose of offering allegiance to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) for Hijrah. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed to him: "Go back to your parents and return after making them happy as you came after leaving them crying." [Abu Dawud]
4. Do service to your parents with heart and soul
If God has afforded you the opportunity to serve your parents, it is in fact a favourable opportunity for you to earn entitlement to Paradise and to win the Pleasure of God. Good service to parents secures blessings and grace in both worlds and man obtains salvation from the calamities of this world and the next. Hadrat Anas (God be pleased 'with him) relates: "Any man who desires that his life should be prolonged and his subsistence may be increased ought to do good service to his parents and show kindness to them."
[al-Targhib-o-Tarhib]
The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) has observed : "Let that man be disgraced, and disgraced again and let him be disgraced even more." The people enquired : "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you) who is that man?" The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "I refer to the man who finds his parents old in age - both of them or one of them - and yet did not earn entitlement to Paradise by rendering good service to them."
[Muslim]
On one occasion, the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) gave precedence to the obligation of looking after one's parents over one of the supreme forms of worship like Jihad. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a companion (God be pleased with him) to proceed on Jihad and urged him to look after his parents.
Hadrat 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr (radiAllahu anhu) relates that a person came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah he upon him) with the intention of participating in the Jihad. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him : "Are your father and mother alive?" He submitted : "Yes, they are alive". The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) thereupon observed: "Go and render good service to them. This is the Jihad".
[sahih al-Bukhari, Muslim]
5. Respect and adore your parents
Respect and adore your parents and do not show disrespect to them by a single word or action. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
"But speak to them a gracious word."
[17:23]
On one occasion Hadrat 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) enquired from Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) : "Do you wish to ward off Hell and gain entry into Paradise?" Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) answered : "Yes, why not, I swear in the name of God I cherish this desire". Hadrat Ibn 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) then asked : "Are your parents alive?" Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) replied : "Yes, my mother is alive," Ibn 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) remarked: "If you talk to them in a polite manner and look after their needs and feed them well, you will certainly be admitted to Paradise provided you abstain from capital evils."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) once saw two men. He asked one of them : "What is your relationship with the other man?" The person replied: "He is my father." Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) thereupon advised him, "Look, never call him by his proper name, walk ahead of him nor sit before he takes his seat."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
6. Be faithful and humble towards your parents
"And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy."
[17:23]
To offer humble obedience to parents implies to pay constant regard to their dignity. Do not assume a haughty attitude towards them, nor treat them with insolence.
7. Love your parents
Love your parents and consider this act as a privilege and a source of reward in the eternal world. Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) relates that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "The pious offspring who casts a single look of affection at his parents receives a reward from God equal to the reward of an accepted Hajj." The people submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you) : If someone casts a hundred such glances of love and affection at his parents, what then?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed; "Yes, indeed, even if one does so a hundred times a day, he will get a hundred fold reward. God is far greater than you imagine and is completely free from petty narrow mindedness."
[Muslim]
8. Obey your parents with full devotion
Obey your parents with full devotion. Even if they show some intransigence, obey their will cheerfully. Keeping in view the great favours which they have done to you, try to fulfil all their demands willingly which may be offensive to your own taste or temperament, provided, of course, they are not derogatory to the tenets of religion.
Hadrat Abu Sa'id (radiAllahu anhu) narrates that a person came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) from Yemen. The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him, "Do you have any relations in Yemen?' He submitted: "Yes, my father and mother are there". The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) then asked: "Did they give you permission to leave?" He submitted: "No, I did not take their permission". The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) thereupon observed : "Go back then and ask the permission of your father and mother. If they agree, come back and join the Jihad, otherwise, attend on them and render good service to them."
[Abu Dawud]
Realize the value of rendering obedience to parents from the fact that a man came from miles intending to join the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in Holy war for the glory of religion, yet the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) turned him back saying: "You can join the Holy War only if both your father and mother allow you to do so."
Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) reports that the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "The man who wakes up in the morning having previously discharged all the duties and obligations laid upon him by God concerning his parents, he will find the two gates of Paradise open for him on waking up in the morning; and in case there is only one parent, the person will find one door of Paradise open for him. And in contrast if a man wakes up in the morning having previously disregarded any obligations or duties laid upon him by God concerning his parents, then he will find two gates of Hell open for him on waking up in the morning; and in case one of the parents is alive, then the man will find one gate of Hell open for him." The man submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you), if the parents are treating him wrongly, what then?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Yes, even if they are treating him wrongly; yes, indeed, even if they are treating him wrongly."
[Mishkat]
9. Consider your own goods as the property of your parents and spend your capital on them with an open hand
Consider your own goods as the property of your parents and spend your capital on them with an open hand. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
Yus'alunaka madha yunfiquna qul ma anfaqtum min khairin falil walidaini. [2:215]
They ask thee, what they shall spend. Say what ye spend for good mast go to parents."
On one occasion a man came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and complained that his father took whatever goods he wanted from him. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) sent for that man's father. An old, infirm man came walking with the help of a stick. When the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) interrogated him on the point, the old man submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! There was a time when I was strong and he was weak and helpless. I had money and he was empty-handed. I never forbade him then to lay his hands on anything that I possessed. Today, he is strong and healthy and I am old and infirm. He has money and I am empty-handed. He now denies me access to his goods." Upon hearing this tale of the old man, the Benefactor of the humanity (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) burst into tears and addressing the son of the old man observed: "You and your goods are the property of your father."
10. Even if your father and mother are non-Muslim, treat them well
Even if your father and mother are non-Muslims, treat them well. Continue to pay them respect and devotion and serve them faithfully. However, in case they command you to become a polytheist or indulge in a sinful act, refuse to obey them and sternly repulse their demand.
"And if your (parents) pressure you to associate someone with Me of which you
have no knowledge, obey them not, yet continue to treat them well in the world."
Hadrat Asma' (radiAllahu anha) states: "In the sacred lifetime of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), my mother visited me on one occasion. She was a polytheist at that time. I submitted to the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): "My mother has come to pay me a visit and she is an unbeliever in Islam. How should I treat her?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Yes, you should continue to show kindness to your mother." [sahih al-Bukhari]
11. Offer prayers begging grace for your parents
Offer prayers begging grace for your parents, Bring to mind their fervent appeals to the Lord and beg His mercy for them with a zealous and sincere heart. God ordains:
"And say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both
as they did care for me when I was little."
In other words, say: "O Creator, with mercy, devotion, affection and love, my Lord, they reared me in childhood and sacrificed their own pleasure and ease for my sake but, they, in their infirmity and helplessness of old age, are more deserving of kindness, and love than I ever was. God! I can pay them no recompense. Do patronize them and show them mercy in their miserable state".
12. Observe special care in looking after your mother
Observe special care in looking after your mother. By nature, the mother is weak and more sensitive and needs your better treatment and devotion. Moreover, her favours and sacrifices are comparatively far greater than the father. Hence religion has conceded preferential rights to the mother and has enjoined upon the believers to treat their mothers with special consideration. The Holy Qur'an affirms:
"And We have commanded unto man kindness towards parents.
His mother beareth him with suffering,
bringeth him forth with suffering,
bearing of him and weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]
While enjoining upon the believers to show good behaviour towards both father and mother, the Holy Qur'an has drawn a poignant picture of constant suffering of pain and hardships by the mother and has excellently pointed out in a psychological manner the fact that the devoted mother deserves comparatively more of your service and kind behaviour than your father. The same fact has been elucidated in greater detail by the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) reports: "A man came to the presence of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you!' Who deserves the noblest treatment from me?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Your mother." He again submitted: "And next?' The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "Your mother." When the man submitted for the fourth time: "And who next?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Your father."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad]
Hadrat Jahma (radiAllahu anhu) paid a call on the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and submitted: "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! I wish to join you in the Jihad and have come to solicit your guidance in this matter. I seek your command." The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enquired from him : "Is your mother alive?" Jahma (God be pleased with him) submitted: "Yea, she is alive." Thereupon the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), said "Return to her then and devote yourself to her service, for Paradise lies under her feet."
[Ibn Majah, Nasa'i]
Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) was a contemporary of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), but be could never attain the privilege of calling on the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He had an old mother to whose service he devoted himself day and night. He cherished a great desire to see the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and it was but natural for every Muslim to have a burning desire to catch a glimpse of the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) indeed wanted to pay a call, yet the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade him to come. Similarly, Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) cherished an ambition to discharge the obligation of Hajj, yet as long as his mother remained alive, Hadrat Uwais (radiAllahu anhu) never set out for the Hajj alone, he fulfilled the desire to perform Hajj only after his mother's demise.
13. Treat your foster mother well
Treat your foster mother well. Do service to her and show her respect and adoration. Hadrat Abu Tafail (radiAllahu anhu) states: ''I once witnessed the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) distributing meat at a place called 'Ja'rana'. Presently, a lady arrived and approached near the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). The Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) spread out his sheet for her and the lady sat on it. I enquired from the people, "Who is this lady?" The people told me: "This lady is the foster mother of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
[abu Dawud]
14. Remember your parents after they have passed away
Remember your parents after they have passed away. Observe the following etiquette to render good service to your deceased parents:
i. Offer prayers continuously invoking mercy of God upon your dead father and mother.
The Holy Qur'an enjoins upon the pious to say this prayer:
O our Lord! Grant forgiveness to me and my parents and pardon all the faithful on the day of Reckoning.
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) states: "When the deceased is elevated to high degrees of favour, he inquires in astonishment : "How so?" He is informed by God, "Your offspring have been offering prayers begging mercy for you (and God has accepted those petitions of mercy)."
Hadrat Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) also states: "The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : The opportunity to do something ends with one's death, yet there are three things which continue to afford benefit to him after death - a recurring charitable act; knowledge which he has imparted to others from which people derive benefit and thirdly, pious offspring who continue to offer prayers invoking mercy of God upon him.
ii. Fulfil all the contracts and promises made by your parents and carry out their will.
Your parents must have made many agreements with some people, they might have made a covenant with God; they might have taken a vow; they might have promised to deliver goods to someone; they might have owed a debt to somebody but were unable to discharge it before death overtook them; they might have made a will at the time of their death. Fulfil all these obligations to the extent of your means.
Hadrat 'Abdullah b. 'Abbas (radiAllahu anhu) narrates: "Hadrat Sa'd b. 'Ubada (radiAllahu anhu) submitted to the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), "O Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon you)! My mother had taken a vow, but she expired before discharging it. Can I carry out the vow on her behalf?" The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "Why not! You must carry out the vow taken by her."
iii. Show good conduct to the friends of your father and the female companions of your mother.
Treat them with respect. Seek their advice just as you seek the advice of your elders and pay due regard to their opinions and advice. On one occasion, the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed : "There is no superior deed of piety than that man should do good service to the companions and friends of his father."
Once Hadrat Abu Darda (radiAllahu anhu) fell ill and his condition continued to aggravate till they lost all hope of his life. Hadrat Yusuf b. 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) made a long journey and came to enquire after his health. On seeing him, Hadrat Abu Darda asked in astonishment: "How are you here?" Yusuf b. 'Abdullah (radiAllahu anhu) replied : "I have come here only to enquire after your health, for you were on terms of deep friendship with my late father."
Hadrat Abu Barda (radiAllahu anhu) relates: "When I arrived in Medina, 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) paid me a visit and said : "Abu Barda (God be pleased with you), do you know why I have come to see you?" I replied : "No, I have no idea why you have come here." Thereupon Hadrat 'Abdullah b. "Umar (radiAllahu anhu) said: "I have heard the Prophet of God (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) as affirming: "The man who wishes to render good service to his father, who is in the grave, ought to show good treatment to his father's companions and friends." Having related this saying of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'Abdullah b. 'Umar (radiAllahu anhu) remarked: "Brother, my father "Umar and your father (radiAllahu anhu) were on terms of deep friendship. I wish to commemorate this friendship and fulfil its duties."
[Ibn Hibban]
iv. Show constant good treatment to the relations of your parents and entertain full respect and pay due regard to the sanctity of these connections.
An indifferent and irresponsible conduct towards these relations is tantamount to treating your own parents with indifference and negligence. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Do not observe indifference towards your forefathers. To show carelessness in your conduct towards your parents is to display ingratitude to God."
15. Discharge your full obligations towards your parents in their lifetime
If, God forbid, you have been guilty of negligence in treating your parents well or discharging your full obligations towards them during their lifetime, do not despair of God's mercy. Offer prayers constantly invoking blessings of God upon your deceased parents. It is possible God may forgive your sin of negligence and admit you among the ranks of the pious people.
Hadrat Anas (radiAllahu anhu) relates: The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) affirmed: "If a person does not observe filial devotion to his parents during their lifetime, and both parents or one of them passes away, the person ought to offer prayers for his deceased parents and beg His Mercy and beseech Him to grant salvation to them till God in His Mercy ordains their admission to the rolls of the pious people."
A Good Example at Home
A Good Example at Home
A Khutbah by Sheikh Abdul Baaree' Ath-Thubaytee, Reprinted from Taiba.org
Rabee'uth-Thaanee 15, 1422 (July 6, 2001)
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. May peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and all his companions.
Fellow Muslims, I advise you and myself to fear Allah. Allah says,
"O you who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and die not but in a state of Islam."
The God-fearing Muslim family is the heart of a healthy community. The piety of a family is dependant on the piety of individual members of the family, and the piety of a community is likewise dependant on the piety of the families who make up the community.
Islam attaches great importance to the family, how it is established and how to keep it together. For the Muslim family to keep up it's high position it maintains a state of love and harmony, and you find in it feelings of amicability and kindness. Allah says,
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."
(Ar-Ruum 30: 21)
He also says,
"They are Libas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her)] for you and you are the same for them."
(Al-Baqarah 2: 187)
The Qur'an made it clear to married couples that each of them is essential to the other. Allah says,
"It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her."
(Al-A'araaf 7: 189)
It cannot be imagined that one could lead a normal, steadfast human life if there was a complete destruction of the normal family structure. Those people who call for the abolishment of the family structure do not do so for the good of humankind. Their call was - and still is - a discordant sound in the passing of history.
The family is established on mutual understanding, the exchanging of views and cooperation. Allah says in relation to nursing and weaning babies,
"The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother's food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them."
(Al-Baqarah 2: 233)
A happy family which seeks stability and continuity builds its life on firm principles, the most important of which are: the raising of children, mutual respect of each others rights, courteousness in dealing with one another and widening one's family's and one's own horizons. Here, couples can find the pure quietude that the Qur'an spoke about, and if a difference occurs between them then true love will melt it away.
The Most Wise (Allah) knows that a person can sometimes be affected by an atmosphere of disagreement and feelings of hate, and then Satan finds what he is looking for sought after for destruction of the existence of the family. The Qur'anic viewpoint was to purify the emotions and to return to life its clarity and to the family its beauty. Allah says,
"…And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good."
(An-Nisaa 4: 19)
And for this reason Imam Ibn Katheer said about this verse, "It means: and perhaps your patience in holding onto them despite your mutual dislike is much better for you in this world and in the hereafter."
If the members of a family exchange love for stubbornness; this is a bad sign and a defeated beginning; nothing can destroy a family as stubbornness and argument. Small disagreements can be blown out of all proportions and become huge points of stubbornness, and major disagreement. How often do we hear tell of or witness marriages failing though they are but newly wed?
Many researchers have decided that family breakdown is the main cause of juvenile delinquency; therefore the family is responsible for protecting itself from disunity before it experiences breakdown and ceases to function as a family unit. Also one cannot pretend that life is or should always be trouble-free; quite the opposite in fact; a normal healthy life will always have it's ups and downs.
Everything in this world no matter how insignificant has wisdom behind it and serves a purpose, so what is the role of the Muslim family? In a Muslim community, the family plays several important roles, the most important being:
Increasing the Progeny of the Muslim Nation
The Prophet said, "Marriage is one of my traditions, and whoever does not follow my traditions is not one of us. So get married, for that way you will increase the nation (in strength and number)." (Ibn Majah)
Having many children increases the strength of the community, in addition to increasing one's personal status and being well remembered after death. Advocates of birth control do not wish the Muslim community any good, and their weak arguments show that they have been afflicted with pessimism, uncertainty (in the truth of Islam and the Last Day) and mistrust (in Allah's Will).
Teaching and Raising the Muslim Youth
Teaching and raising Muslim youth is a job for the whole family. In fact, the home is the first school in which the child is introduced to the basic tenets of his religion, and this important job should not be left to maids and nurses. The child that nurses from his mother's milk also receives her compassion and affection. Conversely, a child which is cared for and raised by maids will never receive the same love, warmth and affection and nor will they have a correct Islamic upbringing.
The Muslim family is held responsible before Allah for the correct Islamic upbringing of it's children, instilling in them the concept of worship of Allah and following His prescribed way in their lives.
Do our families today fulfil their childrearing and educational responsibilities? Does our method of raising children give them the power to resist westernisation and secularisation? Do members of the family gather together to learn the Qur'an? Or do they gather to watch acts of disobedience to Allah (i.e. on the television etc.)? Do our children find in our homes useful lessons, good examples and good manners?
Any shortcomings or omissions in the family's job of raising its children will have negative effects on the behaviour of the children, and in turn this will have a negative effect on the thoughts, structure and security of the community.
Parents will be asked about the fulfilment of their parental duties. Ibn Umar related that Prophet said, "All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your wards. An imam is a guardian, and he is responsible for his wards (among the local community); a man is a guardian in his family and he is responsible for his dependants, a lady is a guardian in her husband's house and she is responsible for her charges (children, property under her control &c.)…" (Bukhari & Muslim)
One responsibility of a parent is to cleanse the house from all vice, to ensure that all members of the family perform all of their religious duties, and to encourage them to perform good and loved deeds.
Teaching Children to Love the Mosque
One of the main goals of the family is to teach its children to love and respect the mosque, and build strong ties between its children and the mosque, for the mosque is an essential part of the life of a Muslim. Instilling love of the mosque is a great and important part of upbringing; deep in effect, and implants in a child respect, good values and manners.
A Muslim family, which is based on faith in Allah, will be able to hold on to Islamic morals and manners, and feel a great attachment to the mosque. It is able, by the light of the Qur'an, to bring into the world children who will become brave heroes, scholars, ascetic slaves (of Allah), sincere leaders, pious men, and worshipful women. Such families fill a glorious page in the books of history.
The Modern Muslim Family
Today the Muslim family faces a grim offensive aimed at shaking its very foundations, by undoing the family ties, spoiling the women's characters, discarding family values, and calling towards nudity, mixing of the sexes and disinhibition. And if the family is destroyed, will there then remain any Muslim nation? And if it does remain it will be marginalized.
In some Muslim countries, the families' hearts have been disunited as a result of the slavish adherence to Western values, drifting blindly behind any vogue that comes out of it; divorce cases have risen, and many youths have turned away from marriage followed by a frantic rush after brutish desires.
The following much-followed trend is a sensitive subject, which touches many of us closely; it has a share in social change in decreasing the role of the family. Satellite dishes have taken over the family's time, had an effect on its progress, and loosened its values; and the family loses - in some cases - some of its influence over the children. These devices (satellite, TV. etc.) compete with the family in controlling the children inside the safety of their own homes by their carefully researched attractiveness, and attack directly and indirectly to destroy their relation with their community, weaken their religion, and diminish their enthusiasm. However, one thing that is very painful to consider, is that some families completely abandon their role in the task of religious and intellectual upbringing, and surrender their children to satellite dishes and such like, that distort young minds and destroy faith unchecked.
Brothers in Islam! Building a family on a sound, rational basis is not an easy task; conversely it is a momentous duty that requires preparation and preparedness. Married life is not all fun and games; rather it is a series of responsibilities and duties, whoever proposes marriage without ability or suitability is ignorant, unaware of the wisdom of Allah's Divine Law, and whomsoever uses marriage for evil purposes, or denies its rights deserves the anger of Allah and His punishment; so one must always behave righteously in this life. Allah says,
"O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…"
(At-Tahreem 66: 6)
Leadership in the Family
Family life is a life of work. And life has its costs and burdens; so it needs someone to be in charge to direct its actions, and supervise its safety this leadership is called Qiwaamah in the Qur'an and it is the lot of the man. Leadership is not for the purpose of reverence and domination but it is a post of supervision and upbringing. It does not mean denying the wife her own personality and wishes, or preventing her from expressing her opinions or having any say of what goes on in the family.
Allah has prepared the woman for certain jobs, and has prepared the man for certain jobs. They are each suited to their own jobs by reason of the physical and mental differences between them. If women were made to be the protectors and maintainers in place of men the woman would be charged with more than she could handle, and the family would be deviated from its normal course and would face trials and difficulties. There are essential differences between men and women, which enable them to perform the gender-specific tasks which have naturally and traditionally been theirs to perform. If the roles of men and women were reversed, it would harm the family, and ultimately the community at large. Those people who call for the removal of man's natural assertiveness and leadership are fools because that goes against the natural Law of Allah.
Al-Qiwaamah means that the head of the household is responsible for the physical safety of his family, and for their safety from a religious standpoint. He protects them from evil fashions and deviation, and provides the perfect example in the way he abides by the Limits set by Allah, and his exaltation of his religious rites and ceremonies, unashamedly and with the best of character and moral standard. He is like a shepherd that protects his flock. The head of a household is required to strike a balance between his work, his acts of worship and being free for his family; to give each one it's due, e.g. the rights of the wife, bringing up the children etc. If the head of the household is unable to make time to sit by himself or with members of the family to talk to them and listen to them, later on, when it is too late to do so, or is no longer possible, he will regret not having made the time. 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al-'Aas said, "The Messenger of Allah said to me, 'I have been told that you fast all day and then stay up all night (in worship) Don't do so; For your body has it's rights on you, and likewise your wife has rights upon you: fast and break your fast; fast three days in each month for that is (as if you were) fasting your whole life.'" (Bukhari & Muslim)
A Khutbah by Sheikh Abdul Baaree' Ath-Thubaytee, Reprinted from Taiba.org
Rabee'uth-Thaanee 15, 1422 (July 6, 2001)
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. May peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and all his companions.
Fellow Muslims, I advise you and myself to fear Allah. Allah says,
"O you who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and die not but in a state of Islam."
The God-fearing Muslim family is the heart of a healthy community. The piety of a family is dependant on the piety of individual members of the family, and the piety of a community is likewise dependant on the piety of the families who make up the community.
Islam attaches great importance to the family, how it is established and how to keep it together. For the Muslim family to keep up it's high position it maintains a state of love and harmony, and you find in it feelings of amicability and kindness. Allah says,
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."
(Ar-Ruum 30: 21)
He also says,
"They are Libas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her)] for you and you are the same for them."
(Al-Baqarah 2: 187)
The Qur'an made it clear to married couples that each of them is essential to the other. Allah says,
"It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her."
(Al-A'araaf 7: 189)
It cannot be imagined that one could lead a normal, steadfast human life if there was a complete destruction of the normal family structure. Those people who call for the abolishment of the family structure do not do so for the good of humankind. Their call was - and still is - a discordant sound in the passing of history.
The family is established on mutual understanding, the exchanging of views and cooperation. Allah says in relation to nursing and weaning babies,
"The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, (that is) for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother's food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them."
(Al-Baqarah 2: 233)
A happy family which seeks stability and continuity builds its life on firm principles, the most important of which are: the raising of children, mutual respect of each others rights, courteousness in dealing with one another and widening one's family's and one's own horizons. Here, couples can find the pure quietude that the Qur'an spoke about, and if a difference occurs between them then true love will melt it away.
The Most Wise (Allah) knows that a person can sometimes be affected by an atmosphere of disagreement and feelings of hate, and then Satan finds what he is looking for sought after for destruction of the existence of the family. The Qur'anic viewpoint was to purify the emotions and to return to life its clarity and to the family its beauty. Allah says,
"…And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good."
(An-Nisaa 4: 19)
And for this reason Imam Ibn Katheer said about this verse, "It means: and perhaps your patience in holding onto them despite your mutual dislike is much better for you in this world and in the hereafter."
If the members of a family exchange love for stubbornness; this is a bad sign and a defeated beginning; nothing can destroy a family as stubbornness and argument. Small disagreements can be blown out of all proportions and become huge points of stubbornness, and major disagreement. How often do we hear tell of or witness marriages failing though they are but newly wed?
Many researchers have decided that family breakdown is the main cause of juvenile delinquency; therefore the family is responsible for protecting itself from disunity before it experiences breakdown and ceases to function as a family unit. Also one cannot pretend that life is or should always be trouble-free; quite the opposite in fact; a normal healthy life will always have it's ups and downs.
Everything in this world no matter how insignificant has wisdom behind it and serves a purpose, so what is the role of the Muslim family? In a Muslim community, the family plays several important roles, the most important being:
Increasing the Progeny of the Muslim Nation
The Prophet said, "Marriage is one of my traditions, and whoever does not follow my traditions is not one of us. So get married, for that way you will increase the nation (in strength and number)." (Ibn Majah)
Having many children increases the strength of the community, in addition to increasing one's personal status and being well remembered after death. Advocates of birth control do not wish the Muslim community any good, and their weak arguments show that they have been afflicted with pessimism, uncertainty (in the truth of Islam and the Last Day) and mistrust (in Allah's Will).
Teaching and Raising the Muslim Youth
Teaching and raising Muslim youth is a job for the whole family. In fact, the home is the first school in which the child is introduced to the basic tenets of his religion, and this important job should not be left to maids and nurses. The child that nurses from his mother's milk also receives her compassion and affection. Conversely, a child which is cared for and raised by maids will never receive the same love, warmth and affection and nor will they have a correct Islamic upbringing.
The Muslim family is held responsible before Allah for the correct Islamic upbringing of it's children, instilling in them the concept of worship of Allah and following His prescribed way in their lives.
Do our families today fulfil their childrearing and educational responsibilities? Does our method of raising children give them the power to resist westernisation and secularisation? Do members of the family gather together to learn the Qur'an? Or do they gather to watch acts of disobedience to Allah (i.e. on the television etc.)? Do our children find in our homes useful lessons, good examples and good manners?
Any shortcomings or omissions in the family's job of raising its children will have negative effects on the behaviour of the children, and in turn this will have a negative effect on the thoughts, structure and security of the community.
Parents will be asked about the fulfilment of their parental duties. Ibn Umar related that Prophet said, "All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your wards. An imam is a guardian, and he is responsible for his wards (among the local community); a man is a guardian in his family and he is responsible for his dependants, a lady is a guardian in her husband's house and she is responsible for her charges (children, property under her control &c.)…" (Bukhari & Muslim)
One responsibility of a parent is to cleanse the house from all vice, to ensure that all members of the family perform all of their religious duties, and to encourage them to perform good and loved deeds.
Teaching Children to Love the Mosque
One of the main goals of the family is to teach its children to love and respect the mosque, and build strong ties between its children and the mosque, for the mosque is an essential part of the life of a Muslim. Instilling love of the mosque is a great and important part of upbringing; deep in effect, and implants in a child respect, good values and manners.
A Muslim family, which is based on faith in Allah, will be able to hold on to Islamic morals and manners, and feel a great attachment to the mosque. It is able, by the light of the Qur'an, to bring into the world children who will become brave heroes, scholars, ascetic slaves (of Allah), sincere leaders, pious men, and worshipful women. Such families fill a glorious page in the books of history.
The Modern Muslim Family
Today the Muslim family faces a grim offensive aimed at shaking its very foundations, by undoing the family ties, spoiling the women's characters, discarding family values, and calling towards nudity, mixing of the sexes and disinhibition. And if the family is destroyed, will there then remain any Muslim nation? And if it does remain it will be marginalized.
In some Muslim countries, the families' hearts have been disunited as a result of the slavish adherence to Western values, drifting blindly behind any vogue that comes out of it; divorce cases have risen, and many youths have turned away from marriage followed by a frantic rush after brutish desires.
The following much-followed trend is a sensitive subject, which touches many of us closely; it has a share in social change in decreasing the role of the family. Satellite dishes have taken over the family's time, had an effect on its progress, and loosened its values; and the family loses - in some cases - some of its influence over the children. These devices (satellite, TV. etc.) compete with the family in controlling the children inside the safety of their own homes by their carefully researched attractiveness, and attack directly and indirectly to destroy their relation with their community, weaken their religion, and diminish their enthusiasm. However, one thing that is very painful to consider, is that some families completely abandon their role in the task of religious and intellectual upbringing, and surrender their children to satellite dishes and such like, that distort young minds and destroy faith unchecked.
Brothers in Islam! Building a family on a sound, rational basis is not an easy task; conversely it is a momentous duty that requires preparation and preparedness. Married life is not all fun and games; rather it is a series of responsibilities and duties, whoever proposes marriage without ability or suitability is ignorant, unaware of the wisdom of Allah's Divine Law, and whomsoever uses marriage for evil purposes, or denies its rights deserves the anger of Allah and His punishment; so one must always behave righteously in this life. Allah says,
"O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…"
(At-Tahreem 66: 6)
Leadership in the Family
Family life is a life of work. And life has its costs and burdens; so it needs someone to be in charge to direct its actions, and supervise its safety this leadership is called Qiwaamah in the Qur'an and it is the lot of the man. Leadership is not for the purpose of reverence and domination but it is a post of supervision and upbringing. It does not mean denying the wife her own personality and wishes, or preventing her from expressing her opinions or having any say of what goes on in the family.
Allah has prepared the woman for certain jobs, and has prepared the man for certain jobs. They are each suited to their own jobs by reason of the physical and mental differences between them. If women were made to be the protectors and maintainers in place of men the woman would be charged with more than she could handle, and the family would be deviated from its normal course and would face trials and difficulties. There are essential differences between men and women, which enable them to perform the gender-specific tasks which have naturally and traditionally been theirs to perform. If the roles of men and women were reversed, it would harm the family, and ultimately the community at large. Those people who call for the removal of man's natural assertiveness and leadership are fools because that goes against the natural Law of Allah.
Al-Qiwaamah means that the head of the household is responsible for the physical safety of his family, and for their safety from a religious standpoint. He protects them from evil fashions and deviation, and provides the perfect example in the way he abides by the Limits set by Allah, and his exaltation of his religious rites and ceremonies, unashamedly and with the best of character and moral standard. He is like a shepherd that protects his flock. The head of a household is required to strike a balance between his work, his acts of worship and being free for his family; to give each one it's due, e.g. the rights of the wife, bringing up the children etc. If the head of the household is unable to make time to sit by himself or with members of the family to talk to them and listen to them, later on, when it is too late to do so, or is no longer possible, he will regret not having made the time. 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al-'Aas said, "The Messenger of Allah said to me, 'I have been told that you fast all day and then stay up all night (in worship) Don't do so; For your body has it's rights on you, and likewise your wife has rights upon you: fast and break your fast; fast three days in each month for that is (as if you were) fasting your whole life.'" (Bukhari & Muslim)
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